Dear Lover Pt.1 Writtten by Krystal Schley

dipped in dark

scent of cocoa made the old way like in the forests of Punta Cuna

everything’s pure and drips organically

calm like untroubled waters

your smile is a melody I could dance to all night

not one bad vibe in sight

everything I see feels warm

tastes beautiful

and sounds golden

we're guided by love

we speak honesty

we hold each other safe like seatbelts

you’re fastened by me my dear.... you’re forever good here

Take No L's

One thing I try to be  is timely. Being fashionably late to a party is one thing but when it comes to work, meetings, or handling any kind of business, I think there's nothing more tackier than arriving after your expected time. Maybe that's where my Virgo moon kicks in to keep my Aries sun in order yet here I am rushing into my first therapy session damn near 10 minutes late. Ugh!

My feelings of embarrassment and angst quickly started to disappear when I walked in her office. The first thing I saw were two cushioned vintage armchairs upholstered in a mustard velvet fabric. For starters, yellow in particularly mustard and antique styled furniture are my faves. The lighting in her small office was dim and the olive walls were decorated with framed inspirational quotes and old fashion styled keys. There were actually different sized keys everywhere around the office. I wondered what they symbolized for her. Was there some sort of figurative connection or does she just likes keys. Either way, I like interesting things like that about people. That one obvious thing that means something meaningful to them. Like my cousin who is obsessed with elephants and how you cant go anywhere in her house without being greeted by one because she believes they bring fortune and wisdom. I guess that's what made me feel comfortable. Even though I'm not yet familiar with her I was familiar with the intimate vibe her quaint office provided and I appreciated the safety in that feeling.

I sunk into the chair across from her and slowly leaked the reasons I sought out her services. Why I feel lonely. Why I'm so defensive. Why my drinking fluctuates. Why I just feel stuck. During the time I briefed her on the last 3 years of my life, there were some parts where I would intentionally break away from her eye contact in shame. It wasn't that I was afraid of her judgment but you know that feeling when you know better. When you know you're too old, too fly and too intelligent to be in some of the mess you're involved in. Well I felt like that. At the end of our session one thing she said that spoke volumes to me was the scripture Romans 8:28. (Mind you, I wasn't even looking for a spiritual therapist so that moment felt kismet)

"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. "

She paraphrased it but this was in reference to what I shared with her. All of the reasons I was there. The experiences that cut me deep and the losses that I took all hurt but it hurts worst because mentally I'm still living in those memories. Never accepting kept me bound to that pain. The physical separation is good but before I can effectively move forward I need to accept whatever happened. The self-awareness, wisdom and strength I gained is good but acceptance is the key in taking back the power any loss stole.

My losses were only losses because I didn't accept the experiences for what they were. That revelation made me realize that while I'll always have to face some sort of disappointment, the real L is not accepting what is.

Life Gems with Milan Ervin: Expanding your boundaries to shift your perspective

“Independence is so important to me but knowing when to seek support is just as important.” – Milan Ervin



I define self soul care as taking care of your entire person. How do you practice self soul-care?

I absolutely believe in self soul care. One way that I practice this is by traveling. I highly believe in the work/life balance. 

*****

What is the biggest lesson you've learned about self love and how do you incorporate that into your life?

*****

The biggest lesson that I’ve learned about self love is that it takes YOU to decide what you need and how it will best help to shape not only your spirit but your mentality as well. I would say that practicing self care by traveling has made me so much more independent and open minded to the world around me. It has helped to center my being by humbling my center. The world is so big and wide, it really makes you take a step back and realize the small space we occupy in our own little worlds. Each place that I visit, I take a piece with me (literally& figuratively) and that place in time stays with me and that in itself is comforting. 

 *****

We often see more women than men speaking on mental health wellness. At any point in your life did you struggle with speaking on what you were feeling and thinking out of fear of not being taken serious? If so, do you still feel that way and why?

We’re human, so being flawed comes with the territory, no matter who you are or where you come from. For me, it goes back to wanting to maintain my independence. I have a “do it yourself” attitude when it comes to myself because I often feel that it’s expected or that I don’t want to bother others. Especially if I know I can do it myself. I am learning that it’s ok to ask for help sometimes and I have made progress. I am an older brother with younger cousins whom I was responsible for, so I guess it goes back to that time. Independence is so important to me but knowing when to seek support is just as important. I am a work in progress. 

I sought help today!

I shuffled through the suggestion list of new reads, or should I say sounds, on my audible app. I was hoping that I wouldn't have to type in the description bar what exactly I was looking for and that miraculously in some divine moment of God looking out for his child, my eyes would run across a title that spoke to my needs. But of course that didn't happen. So I tapped out of my pride and on the search glass icon and typed in "Self help". I'm no stranger to stranger things more less the taboo of therapy which I am a strong believer in and advocate for, however, sometimes you just feel like you aint got time for that. All the crying , unearthing and rearranging that will definitely come as a result of ...well...getting help.

Rewind to when I was about 13, I was forced into counseling due to my odd behavior like isolation and self-mutilation which was me cutting my forearms. I still don't feel comfortable saying this was a cry for attention but it most certainly stemmed from poor self image and a major lack of confidence. The sessions weren't bad but they didn't help either and this lead to several visits to the physiologist and nurses office throughout the rest of my high school years and then on and off in my younger adult life.

Fast forward to this morning, I swiped through the book suggestions of both authors I've never heard of to ones whose work I'm very familiar with. From Memoirs to Self-Development. New age practices, spiritual rituals to religious guidance. Somehow I even ended up amongst the hood novels which I found rather ironic being that this was apart of my problem but I digress. I listened to a couple of the self help book synopsis to get a better feel for what I may be in store for and nothing...I mean NOT A THING resonated.  No offense against the published works but I didn't find them worth the time to listen or my free credit. Then, as if my fingers had a mind of their own, I googled black therapist in new jersey, found someone whose profile I was comfortable with and submitted my cry for help. Why? Because I went to bed last night unsettled and woke up feeling over being "over it". Transparency has never been my problem. Its been allowing the recipe of unpacking and releasing to effectively brew without putting my hands in the pot.

Step 1. Admittance. Step 2. Taking action towards change. I'll let you know Step 3 when I get there. 

Feature Alert!

In June, I had the pleasure to be featured on Women on the Grind. WOTG is a website that shines the spotlight on women who simply put, are doing their with their gifts, talents and time.


Sisterhood is imperative for feminine healing, growth and pushing visions forward. I was very honored to be published alongside other women out here in the world making the differences that we can.


Something powerful happens when women link up even if its over the net.


You can read my interview here.

Thoro Gem Thurday: Courtney Melski

“I want everyone to feel comfortable enough to be a woman in this scary world where everyone is against us.”– Courtney Melski



TGT IS BACK!! YAAAYYYY! And this week's Thoro Gem feature is Courtney Melski who was inspired to ignite change earlier this year when congress started to approve an abortion bans throughout the US.  Not only did she voice her option against the ban on her social media platforms but she decided to make a bigger statement by creating a line of t-shirts with inspirational quotes and images to encourage both women and men to stand up for women rights.

The sad thing is that basic human rights for women are still on the table of discussion as if our bodies were on display at buffet and people can pick and choose what they desire. The beautiful thing is that young ladies like Courtney can speak up for this type of injustice, be heard, seen and taken seriously so when I asked Courtney what about this ban triggered her in such a way to begin her line, she said:

“As women from any background, religion, etc. we all have one very thing in common. We are the only ones that have the power and the strength to conceive children. Whether we can bear them or not we are the only ones that have that ability. I don’t see why 25 men were able to determine what we can do with our bodies. Hence the shirt “My Pussy My Opinion”. How many of those men have been pregnant? Zero. How many of them have been stripped of their bodies by women? Zero. How many of those men have been pregnant due to a rape? Zero. But those are the ones that are telling us what we can and cannot do with our bodies. The female body is such magic, from head to toe with different colors, shapes, etc. We are literally like a home, not only for the children we carry but the people around us. Women are comforting and this ban is making life 10x harder. These men aren’t just stripping us from our bodies, they’re stripping us from our voices, our power, and our lives. My reproduction is my body and my body is always going to be mine. We women need be united and we can’t let anyone burn out the fire that we have igniting in us.”

Courtney, for being fearless and in the face of adversity , you're truly a thoro gem!

Courtney's t-shirts can be purchased via her instagram @cmelskii

Bury the Dead and Live your Life

The Day Of.

At 12:00 am I was in the shower with a head full of conditioner and rinsing the Nair off of my body.I fell behind schedule just a little bit because I wanted to be hairless, lathered up, and relaxing while bringing in my birthday but it was all good. My cousin came in the bathroom to sing her custom rendition of  Happy Birthday and then pray over me before she went to bed. A BIH IS 34 Y'ALL! I cant say I'm where I hoped and prayed I would be at this age but I guess I can't complain. The life lessons and experiences have been one for the books, literally, and for that I'm grateful. In the next couple weeks I'll be moving into my first, very own place. I have a speaking engagement and its also the one-year anniversary of my first book. Although, there are few things that I want, I'm not in lack and I learned you can't rush anything. At least nothing authentic. Anyway, because of paying bills and buying stuff for my new apartment, I brought in my birthday with zero funds. Thankfully my god sister took me out to lunch and my mother had me over for dinner and drinks so I was still able to feel special and celebrated before coming home and enjoying my quietness. The day was honestly peaceful except the undertone of loneliness and anxiety that would dip in and out of the hours of my birthday.

For the past couple years I've been engaging in a love that is mine but also isn't. I'll spare you the bullshit of my full of shit love story but it has been a very tumultuous, oddly exciting and very heartbreaking experience with this individual. I've been to the point of walking away forever just to be drawn back by my own curiosity of "is this possibly where the love of my soul mate resides?" Obviously the reality of both of our lives should have said NO and for my actions I have no excuse to offer. But it was something about his phone call yesterday. The audacity of his tone. The conversations that followed along with his display of joy and happiness on social media that is extremely different than the feelings of misery about his life that he shares with me. All of this made me realize I have been snatching out the stitches of my wounds every single time I allow him back into my life. The evidence of God's grace is very much present around me so if I'm stagnant in this area it's because I parked myself in his empty promises and half-assed expressions of love. His "love btw, Fake news! 11:36pm  I found myself staring at my ceiling demanding my tear ducts to remain disciplined and still. Not one more motherfucking tear is going to fall out of my face because of him. Not on my birthday and not ever again. And with that I went to sleep.

The Morning After.

I woke up to countless Facebook notifications and text messages wishing me either a Happy or Happy belated birthday. It really wasn't until after I turned 30 that I really started to celebrate my birthday. No matter what that celebration looked like. Whether it was a trip out of town, fancy dinner with my closest loved ones or a quite night at home stress free without the worry of the right contour or perfect lip to compliment a sexy dress that screams in the words of our Queen Mother Beyonce " Bitch,  I'm grown". Nope, just home enjoying a glass of wine or maybe even a bottle just celebrating life.

I feel blessed but I'd be lying if I said I didn't still feel anxious because of this man that I've loved for so long beyond rational understanding. The man, that in a perfect world, I would have celebrated my birthday with somewhere waking up unclothed and hung-over. The thought of this made me want to be bitter and messy. But what good would that do? The fact of the matter is nothing that I can say, do or even expose will change anything  accept people's opinions about me. Besides, it would just be conjuring the dead and I don't like to play with my demons. Us. He and I. Whoever or whatever we were to each other has been dead for some time now but I have acted as faithful as a widow who vowed she would never love another man again. Well, that shit is dead now too. This morning I left my home to get some coffee and had a conversation with myself that this is the last time his spirit of deception will have rulership over my heart. I blocked every channel in which it would be possible for him to contact me and adjusted my fucking crown. I hate that it took me years to realize this wasn't love but a karmic cycle. I'm embarrassed that I found comfort in a lie. I'm ashamed that I compared the worthiness of me and another woman as if either one of us deserves his shitty offerings. He was having his cake and eating it just to leave me to clean up the mess every time. Its too much of a task to put back together the pieces of yourself that you continually give someone else just to break over and over again. No more clumsy assholes. That's no way to live. That's not how I'm going to live anymore.