Bury the Dead and Live your Life

The Day Of.

At 12:00 am I was in the shower with a head full of conditioner and rinsing the Nair off of my body.I fell behind schedule just a little bit because I wanted to be hairless, lathered up, and relaxing while bringing in my birthday but it was all good. My cousin came in the bathroom to sing her custom rendition of  Happy Birthday and then pray over me before she went to bed. A BIH IS 34 Y'ALL! I cant say I'm where I hoped and prayed I would be at this age but I guess I can't complain. The life lessons and experiences have been one for the books, literally, and for that I'm grateful. In the next couple weeks I'll be moving into my first, very own place. I have a speaking engagement and its also the one-year anniversary of my first book. Although, there are few things that I want, I'm not in lack and I learned you can't rush anything. At least nothing authentic. Anyway, because of paying bills and buying stuff for my new apartment, I brought in my birthday with zero funds. Thankfully my god sister took me out to lunch and my mother had me over for dinner and drinks so I was still able to feel special and celebrated before coming home and enjoying my quietness. The day was honestly peaceful except the undertone of loneliness and anxiety that would dip in and out of the hours of my birthday.

For the past couple years I've been engaging in a love that is mine but also isn't. I'll spare you the bullshit of my full of shit love story but it has been a very tumultuous, oddly exciting and very heartbreaking experience with this individual. I've been to the point of walking away forever just to be drawn back by my own curiosity of "is this possibly where the love of my soul mate resides?" Obviously the reality of both of our lives should have said NO and for my actions I have no excuse to offer. But it was something about his phone call yesterday. The audacity of his tone. The conversations that followed along with his display of joy and happiness on social media that is extremely different than the feelings of misery about his life that he shares with me. All of this made me realize I have been snatching out the stitches of my wounds every single time I allow him back into my life. The evidence of God's grace is very much present around me so if I'm stagnant in this area it's because I parked myself in his empty promises and half-assed expressions of love. His "love btw, Fake news! 11:36pm  I found myself staring at my ceiling demanding my tear ducts to remain disciplined and still. Not one more motherfucking tear is going to fall out of my face because of him. Not on my birthday and not ever again. And with that I went to sleep.

The Morning After.

I woke up to countless Facebook notifications and text messages wishing me either a Happy or Happy belated birthday. It really wasn't until after I turned 30 that I really started to celebrate my birthday. No matter what that celebration looked like. Whether it was a trip out of town, fancy dinner with my closest loved ones or a quite night at home stress free without the worry of the right contour or perfect lip to compliment a sexy dress that screams in the words of our Queen Mother Beyonce " Bitch,  I'm grown". Nope, just home enjoying a glass of wine or maybe even a bottle just celebrating life.

I feel blessed but I'd be lying if I said I didn't still feel anxious because of this man that I've loved for so long beyond rational understanding. The man, that in a perfect world, I would have celebrated my birthday with somewhere waking up unclothed and hung-over. The thought of this made me want to be bitter and messy. But what good would that do? The fact of the matter is nothing that I can say, do or even expose will change anything  accept people's opinions about me. Besides, it would just be conjuring the dead and I don't like to play with my demons. Us. He and I. Whoever or whatever we were to each other has been dead for some time now but I have acted as faithful as a widow who vowed she would never love another man again. Well, that shit is dead now too. This morning I left my home to get some coffee and had a conversation with myself that this is the last time his spirit of deception will have rulership over my heart. I blocked every channel in which it would be possible for him to contact me and adjusted my fucking crown. I hate that it took me years to realize this wasn't love but a karmic cycle. I'm embarrassed that I found comfort in a lie. I'm ashamed that I compared the worthiness of me and another woman as if either one of us deserves his shitty offerings. He was having his cake and eating it just to leave me to clean up the mess every time. Its too much of a task to put back together the pieces of yourself that you continually give someone else just to break over and over again. No more clumsy assholes. That's no way to live. That's not how I'm going to live anymore.