Life Gems with Tracy Wells: Be patient with yourself

Be patient with yourself

The biggest lesson I have learned about self-love is… “To thine own self be true”, one of my favorite quotes by Polonius. Self-Love is the best LOVE and being true to myself is the best lesson I have ever learned about self-Love. I am 49 years old starring fifty in the eyes and it has taken me all these years to really truly and fully understand what self-love really is.  I always thought I knew what it was and thought that I loved myself but the truth was I didn’t.  In fact I did not even like myself.  After I graduated high school I went into the military.  During my short tour I was deployed to UAE during Desert Storm.  When I returned I had PTSD but did not realize it.  Or maybe I did but was in denial. Years of going through life trying to find my way and make sense of things.  I was always known as the happy go lucky girl, the one that everyone loved and even the one (as I was told) many envied for whatever reason.  But no one knew that this happy go luck girl was only what they saw on the outside.  It was my coping mechanism and what I did to survive.  I got dressed for work or my day, put on my happy face and went out to start my day.  What they did not see was the girl who cried all night and was suffering inside.  They did not see the girl who stayed in bed for days at a time because it was easier to deal with things that way.  In 2007 I was a victim of rape.  I moved out of my place and in with my parents for two years.  Two very, very long years.  Although I was grateful for my parents letting me stay with them this was the worst two years of my life.  Not only was I burying and not acknowledging the fact that I was just violated in the worst way but as a grown woman going back to my parents’ house with three children it was just very challenging.  I had my rules but yet my parents had their rules.  I was working three jobs, in school full time and still raising three kids.  No time to start the healing process.  My pile of “whatever” (this was the pile of things I did not want to address) was busting at the seams.  In 2009 I moved out of my parents’ home, graduated with a Bachelor’s in Science degree and was able to work only one full time job.  I was the happiest I had been in awhile…..and then…..my trial came up.  I had no choice to face what I did not want to face.  After going through that and winning I sunk into a deep depression.  From physical pain in my body, health issues, and of course just dealing with life and things I had not dealt with.  There were days I did not even see the rest of my house because I never got up out of the bed.  My children were old enough to fin for themselves and they helped me in every way they could.  My daughter even had to help dress me because physically I could not.  I could have qualified for a home health nurse.  I was at a point of just giving up.  Then one day my brother Eddy said to me, “you got to move sis, if you don’t move, you’ll die!”  Geeze, this was not what I wanted to hear but it definitely was what I needed to hear.  I didn’t want to die or leave my kids.  I decided at that point I was going to get better.  I stated telling myself I was healthy and I was going to be ok.  I started to speak life and every chance I had to get up and get things for myself, instead of getting my kids to do it, I did.  I slowly started to turn my situation around.  Even though I was making major progress in one area I still continued to have pain and deal with issues of depression and PTSD.  When everything came to a head I realized, even threw my pain I continued to do so much for others because this person was sick, or this person needed this, or this person needed that, or even simply because I knew what it was like to need help and I remembered people that were there for me along the way.  Something was missing though, I wasn’t putting as much time and energy into me.  I vowed to strive to be better in every aspect of my life.  Physically, mentally, and spiritually.  Small steps in the right direction started to make huge differences in my life.  My life is not perfect but I am positioned for greatness!!!  I know who I am and I know whose I am. I have learned to Love me for me! I have learned to like the skin that I am in.  I accept me for who I am. The good, bad and indifferent.   I am also enjoying doing things for me and investing time in the one person who has been and will always be here for me.  If I can’t love me, why should anyone else.  If I can’t Love me, how can I Love anyone one else.

 Life sure does have a funny way of throwing things our way.  Some things we have control of but there are a lot of things we don’t.  Everyone is different.  Different things set me off that would not phase the next person and vice versa.  Because I also deal with PTSD I have extra triggers on a level that sometimes seems unreal.  What I have learned is, you have to find out what works for you.  Know what your triggers are and how to deal with them.  As a Christian Woman of God, He gives me what I need when I need it!  I try to keep my focus on the Lord and let Him guide me.  Singing is my passion.  I feel like I was born to sing.  Starting my day with Praise and Worship and busting into song at random times is sometimes all I need to turn things around.  How can you be mad and sing a Praise and Worship song right!?!? However, there are times the ugly comes out of me (Hey, I’m human and a work in progress).  When this happens I just have to let it go and regroup once I calm back down.   I guess it is all about continuing to move forward.  My pastor always said, “the best way to get through a mess is to keep on going.” I like to use this approach when I am triggered by life. No matter what the situation is.  Take it day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute and yes I have even had to go second by second.


- Tracy

Life Gems with Renee Slocum

Life Gems with Renee Slocum

What life experience has taught you the importance of loving yourself?

A lot of people have come into my life to supposedly do me good but have actually done me more harm. These people were supposed to take care of me, help me, KEEP me away from hurt harm and danger but instead they've been the ones to inflict it or put me in position to be inflicted. Because of it I've had my guard up ALL MY LIFE! Making it hard for people who really want to do me good. I've learned it's important to love and look out for me above anyone else because there are people who just don’t care about me the way I care about me. For the majority of my childhood, I have been a people pleaser and got hurt the whole time. It’s important to love on yourself to give people insight of how to love you.

How do you practice self-care? 

Taking the time usually on weekends to do WHATEVER it is I want to do. My week mainly revolves around my son and work. The weekend is my time to unwind! Sometimes I read; something I used to love to do and had lots of time to do but that has gotten away from me. Also I study my bible, in depth with my notebook pen and highlighters! Other things are just some self-pampering: mani-pedi. And lastly some adult time! Many moms I’m sure can attest to ADULT time being crucial to self-care because sometimes these little people we birth can drive you NUTS! Lol. I love my son immensely but when the opportunity presents itself, I take it! 

Knowing all that you know now about life, what advice would you give your younger self?

Take care of yourself first. Don't be a people pleaser people will use you and then leave you as soon as they have no more use for you. Respect and love yourself first. You teach people how to treat you and love you by the way you treat and love yourself. It is okay to say no if people walk away because they couldn't get something from you that they wanted or couldn't use you in the way that they wanted to, let them walk away. Always know your worth do not settle for anyone who treats you as though you are less than what you are. You will avoid a lot of hurt and pain staying true to your morals and goals knowing your own worth not being a people-pleaser and never settling for less. Don't be discouraged so easily, keep trying until that goal you said is met no matter how long it takes. Keep God at the center of all things and you will be victorious!

Life Gems with Melanie Tinsley: You are Love

You are Love

It took years upon years for me to realize what self love was and it took even longer for me to establish self-care. As a young girl I grew up motherless. I never experienced that nurturing love that a mother gives. That is a mothers gift to her daughter. So in turn I was not able to establish self love. I gave away my mind, my body, and most of all my soul to the world as if it was free. It wasn’t until I became an adult somewhere around the age of 30, that I started to establish self-love and self care.

I slowly started to realize that I no longer had to give myself relentlessly to this thing called “the world”. I realized that I was able to keep me all to myself. See this thing called life can leave you lost. It can leave you feeling alone in this place called the world. You become so consumed by the needs and wants of everyone and everything around you that you become swallowed whole.

 

But once you realize that you yourself make up the universe, you begin self love. You begin to realize just how precious life is and how precious your life is. You realize you are that diamond in the rough.  And in that very moment you realize that no one can love you, better than you.

 

I care and love for myself setting aside extra time just for me. Why not. I deserve it. I take longer showers in the morning. I don’t let the morning rush hour rush me. I take mental breaks from the world and everything going on around me by closing my eyes and listening to soothing and calming music. I learned to stop giving and giving because the world will keep taking and taking. I take a little less time with others and put a little bit more time into myself. Most of all I stopped letting other peoples opinions define who I am as a woman. 

-Melanie

Life Gems with Kyah Madlock: Know who You are

Know who You are

I no longer need validation. I'm perfect the way that I am, from my looks all the way down to my soul. I don't need anyone to confirm who I am . No more validation from people who aint valid.

-Kyah

Life Gems with Ashley Peek: Love's journey starts with self

Love's journey starts with self

The biggest thing that I have learned about self-love is that it's never too late to truly find out who you are as a person. As we grow we change and are constantly learning what we like what we don't like. What we would accept and what we won't accept. In my journey to self love which I am constantly traveling, I am learning to just accept me for me. Accepting my flaws and understanding that I am not going to be perfect in everyone eyes and nor should I want to be. It's not up to society to determine what makes me happy and what adds value to my life. Its my choice and that is something that I had to learn over time.

-Ashley

Life Gems with Gabrielle Covington: Make yourself a priority

Make yourself a priority

Many women think the answer to this is universal but it isn't. My self-care starts with being my own best friend. I love spending time alone. I rest, refuel, and regroup. I also make sure I'm inspired by what I'm surrounded by so I'm constantly clearing clutter and redecorating my place. In my book saying "No" is okay. I've said yes many times in my life and have regretted it. Lastly, because I have a husband and kids, I often find myself rewriting my routine and sometimes having to put me at the top of the list. I've also incorporated yoga and meditation to help focus me. I don't always get it right but this is what helps keep me balanced.

-Gab

Life Gems with Jessica Jenkins: Be Authentic

Be Authentic



I practice self care by spending time in silence and time alone. In my time of silence I usually turn everything off, even my phone, and just lay in my room and practice breathing. I usually light a candle or burn incense and take control over my breathe, as you would in practicing something like yoga. It gives me peace and a sense of self control. And my time alone can be spent reading, writing, or doing yoga. But I do it by myself and enjoy my own company. I have been practicing these things more and more lately. They help me to stay calm and at peace. I usual find the time to do one of these things twice weekly. And make time for 30-45 minutes or long during the weekend.

The advice I would give the younger me would be this: if they don’t like the authentic you baby girl they aren’t for you. Being a people pleaser I always put myself last and attempted to appease others and for their standards of what they wanted me to be. It’s taken years to really come into my own and truly love who I am as a person. You can’t please everyone but pleasing yourself makes life that much better.

- Jess

Life Gems with Steph Cedeno

Life gems with Steph Cedeno

What life experience taught you the importance of loving yourself?

I don’t think there is one single specific moment in my life that has lead me on this journey as much as it is a combination of my life’s events. The moral of each situation always wound up being the fact that in order to truly love myself I have to also love my journey and not allow the past or outside actions define me. I can literally write a book about my life , but being raised by a single father has really shaped me to be the woman I am today. Understanding the universe helps me understanding that things are happening FOR me and not TO me.

 

How do you practice self-care?

I practice self care in a few different ways. It started with crystals. I love the fact that they come from the earth and divinely created. With the crystals came meditation.  I recently started meditating not on a daily scheduled basis but when I feel the pull to do so. It has honestly been one of the best decisions I’ve made in my journey. Palo Santo is my favorite to use when spirituality cleansing along with sage and incense. Sometimes we need to disconnect from the everyday hustling and put our phones down and just be, which for me is very important with self care.

Knowing all that you know now, what advice would you give your young self?


Being the woman I am today and knowing all that I do now, the best advice I would give my younger self would be love you more today than yesterday . Be sure to always take care and don’t place judgment on yourself. You are created in the divine eye.

Life Gems With Jade Slater: Bloom from Within

Bloom from Within

Self-care is a daily routine of what makes you feel good. It can be anything from sleeping in after a long week, talking nicely to yourself , researching ways to take care of your mental health and separating from toxic environments (people ,activities, or behaviors). For me, it's so much more than exterior things; not to say they don't count because they do very much but in this moment my foundation is to start inside spiritually and mentally and then work my way out by eating better taking a walk, breathing, not dwelling on my problems but my solutions, retraining my brain to think positive and talking nice to myself.
The biggest lesson I've learned about self-love is that in order to truly love yourself you have to first forgive yourself for all the dark things that you may have done to yourself or those around you. Find ways to acknowledge your wrongs and when you do you'll will be able to forgive yourself and others and then truly love yourself. Love is liberating. It is freeing. It will never keep you hostage or bind you up. When you have self love you will be able to find your peace and that is the most refreshing space to find.




-Jade

Queen Bey, Body Acceptance and Breaking these Generational Curses

Can I just talk about how Queen Mother, Beyoncé that is, has been giving me life this year. From her classic performance at Coachella, The Carter's album and now her latest interview in the September issue of Vogue Magazine. She's just all around phenomenal. I mean, I don't really like to "stan" for celebrities because after all, they are mere humans just like the rest of us but not for nothing, Bey has been making me so proud to be a black woman.

We don't have to recap on Coachella. Mutha shut it down and if you ain't know please google her performance. Just her entrance alone was iconic.

The Carters album is a constant bop for me. From the pride for our culture in Black Effect, forgiveness and redemption in Love Happy (my favorite), The sultry seductive vibes in Summer to the cloth talk on Boss. Her beautiful, sultry range and Jay's lyrical storytelling keeps them in heavy rotation on my playlist.

And now, Beyoncé's feature in Vogue makes me love her so much more. Let me just say this before I begin, she didn't say anything different than what we normally hear about body acceptance and self love but what I appreciate about Beyoncé is that ever since her album Lemonade, she has been very open with us (especially more than she needs to be) about her family and self esteem struggles as a result of infidelity in her marriage and past traumas. During her interview, the theme of honesty is the same but the tone is different. Obviously, she's in a better space. Her marriage is in a healing place, their family is growing with the edition of the twins, Rumi and Sir and they're currently on their world tour OTR II.
While life right now is great, Bey shared her pregnancy struggles with toxemia while pregnant with the twins which lead her to have an emergency C-section. She talked about accepting the changes that her body has undergone and even her contentment with her FUPA for the time being. For those who do not know what a fupa is, that is the fat located in the lower abdomen also known as the fat upper pu**y area. I can't really identify with fupa love right now because mine wont let me be great LOL but I'm working on her for a more healthier,happier me. She talked about intentionally giving herself self-love and care during her recovery helping her to accept her new curves. Seriously though, you know I promote self adoration so I loved her transparency.

She also spoke on opening doors for talent that follows her like the photographer that she chose for the Vogue shoot, 23 year old Tyler Mitchell. The first African American to shoot for the cover of Vogue ever. Yaaaasssssssss!

Tyler Mitchell

My favorite part of the article is when she talked about her family history. I was moved to tears when she said her lineage was one of "broken relationships and mistrust". I almost shouted right there.  When she said " I pray that I am able to break generational curses in my family and that my children will have less complicated lives." I felt that on a spiritual level. While she was referring to the disconnect in respect, honesty and communication between man and woman in her genealogy, this reminded me of my generational hardships that not only plague me but my parents, brother and extended family as well. Recently, the patterns that have been a direct effect of negative habits, mental and emotionally abuse that has intertwined itself within the history of my family, is something that I'm no longer willing to accept. I'm not a doctor so I'm not qualified to "fix" anybody EXCEPT my own thoughts and actions. That's was my problem. I always wanted to mend what was wrong by overcompensating for what I thought love and family should be vs. what I actually experienced but no one can heal in toxicity and delusion. Traits that I WILL NOT pass down to my babies either.


Visit www.Vogue.com to read Beyoncé in Her Own Words: Her Life, Her Body, Her Heritage

"I’m in a place of gratitude right now.

I am accepting of who I am. I will continue to explore every inch of my soul and every part of my artistry.

I want to learn more, teach more, and live in full.

I’ve worked long and hard to be able to get to a place where I can choose to surround myself with what fulfills and inspires me."