I sought help today!

I shuffled through the suggestion list of new reads, or should I say sounds, on my audible app. I was hoping that I wouldn't have to type in the description bar what exactly I was looking for and that miraculously in some divine moment of God looking out for his child, my eyes would run across a title that spoke to my needs. But of course that didn't happen. So I tapped out of my pride and on the search glass icon and typed in "Self help". I'm no stranger to stranger things more less the taboo of therapy which I am a strong believer in and advocate for, however, sometimes you just feel like you aint got time for that. All the crying , unearthing and rearranging that will definitely come as a result of ...well...getting help.

Rewind to when I was about 13, I was forced into counseling due to my odd behavior like isolation and self-mutilation which was me cutting my forearms. I still don't feel comfortable saying this was a cry for attention but it most certainly stemmed from poor self image and a major lack of confidence. The sessions weren't bad but they didn't help either and this lead to several visits to the physiologist and nurses office throughout the rest of my high school years and then on and off in my younger adult life.

Fast forward to this morning, I swiped through the book suggestions of both authors I've never heard of to ones whose work I'm very familiar with. From Memoirs to Self-Development. New age practices, spiritual rituals to religious guidance. Somehow I even ended up amongst the hood novels which I found rather ironic being that this was apart of my problem but I digress. I listened to a couple of the self help book synopsis to get a better feel for what I may be in store for and nothing...I mean NOT A THING resonated.  No offense against the published works but I didn't find them worth the time to listen or my free credit. Then, as if my fingers had a mind of their own, I googled black therapist in new jersey, found someone whose profile I was comfortable with and submitted my cry for help. Why? Because I went to bed last night unsettled and woke up feeling over being "over it". Transparency has never been my problem. Its been allowing the recipe of unpacking and releasing to effectively brew without putting my hands in the pot.

Step 1. Admittance. Step 2. Taking action towards change. I'll let you know Step 3 when I get there.