One thing I try to be is timely. Being fashionably late to a party is one thing but when it comes to work, meetings, or handling any kind of business, I think there's nothing more tackier than arriving after your expected time. Maybe that's where my Virgo moon kicks in to keep my Aries sun in order yet here I am rushing into my first therapy session damn near 10 minutes late. Ugh!
My feelings of embarrassment and angst quickly started to disappear when I walked in her office. The first thing I saw were two cushioned vintage armchairs upholstered in a mustard velvet fabric. For starters, yellow in particularly mustard and antique styled furniture are my faves. The lighting in her small office was dim and the olive walls were decorated with framed inspirational quotes and old fashion styled keys. There were actually different sized keys everywhere around the office. I wondered what they symbolized for her. Was there some sort of figurative connection or does she just likes keys. Either way, I like interesting things like that about people. That one obvious thing that means something meaningful to them. Like my cousin who is obsessed with elephants and how you cant go anywhere in her house without being greeted by one because she believes they bring fortune and wisdom. I guess that's what made me feel comfortable. Even though I'm not yet familiar with her I was familiar with the intimate vibe her quaint office provided and I appreciated the safety in that feeling.
I sunk into the chair across from her and slowly leaked the reasons I sought out her services. Why I feel lonely. Why I'm so defensive. Why my drinking fluctuates. Why I just feel stuck. During the time I briefed her on the last 3 years of my life, there were some parts where I would intentionally break away from her eye contact in shame. It wasn't that I was afraid of her judgment but you know that feeling when you know better. When you know you're too old, too fly and too intelligent to be in some of the mess you're involved in. Well I felt like that. At the end of our session one thing she said that spoke volumes to me was the scripture Romans 8:28. (Mind you, I wasn't even looking for a spiritual therapist so that moment felt kismet)
"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those
who are the called according to
His purpose. "
She paraphrased it but this was in reference to what I shared with her. All of the reasons I was there. The experiences that cut me deep and the losses that I took all hurt but it hurts worst because mentally I'm still living in those memories. Never accepting kept me bound to that pain. The physical separation is good but before I can effectively move forward I need to accept whatever happened. The self-awareness, wisdom and strength I gained is good but acceptance is the key in taking back the power any loss stole.
My losses were only losses because I didn't accept the experiences for what they were. That revelation made me realize that while I'll always have to face some sort of disappointment, the real L is not accepting what is.
