Getting through the motions

Most people that know me know that I love poetry. Few people that know me know that 3 years ago I used to perform spoken word locally. This picture was taken one of the nights I was about to recite an original piece entitled "Swimming Lessons" about being betrayed. Most to my poetry was faith-based so it wasn't edgy as far as the language but it's safe to say that the messages were very relate-able to anyone no matter their walk of life. Even though I knew this poem like the back of my hand and this was my umpteenth time getting on stage, I was naturally nervous to perform. I read this poem before. Shit, I lived it but it's always that fear of standing in front of many unfamiliar faces revealing a truth about yourself that has the tendency to send a paralyzing chill throughout your body. In my mind I recited over and over the mantra that I would tell myself before every performance. "Krystal, you got this! God gave you this gift. Someone will need it. You will not mess up. You'll be great."

I waited for my turn. When my name was called I walked bravely to the stage, looked over the crowd, closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Exhaled most of my anxiety and began. The nerves never went away though. After all the words are said and the poem is done, they're still there...tingling. However I got through it. Like I always have. Like I knew I would.




Truth is, even far, far away from the stage and companionship of the microphone. In the privacy of my own affairs. Between the responsibilities of my 9 to 5, making sure home is cozy, and the puppy is fed, the nerves are ever present. I started off this month feeling very enthused about November. I'll say now that my enthusiasm turned into thankfulness for the uncovering of self that I'm experiencing. It's something about this time of year being between the holiday of gratitude and the holiday of love(depending on who you're asking) that can either bring out the very best in a person or the opportunities for improvement in a person. I'm living in both. The past few days I've been on an emotional roller coaster. Being thrilled about the thought of the unknown and shook with fear of walking by faith. It's that odd inkling  that something is not the same but not being able to accurately identify what has changed. I'm imbalanced. I feel motivated. I feel ugly. I feel stunning. I feel close to God then so far from His hand. I get that feeling of being stuck in the angst of never growing beyond where I am. Then I have moments of gratefulness just be here to learn, live and let live. These phases of confidence vs. uncertainty are nothing new so everyday I found myself reciting my mantra. "Krystal, you got this! God gave you this gift. Someone will need it. You will not mess up. You'll be great."


Reminding myself that what's before me is nothing new. I'll get through this. Like I always have. Like I know I will.

Life Gems with Caroline Senion: Live to love

Live to love

"I learned how to love myself after spending years of finding myself" 

As a young girl I thought self-love was something taught by others. Walking in my journey I now know it's something only you can give yourself. I take a day or two to do what I love; which is to write. I simply take time out to write about things that make me happy. I do a mental, physical, and spiritual cleanse from the world to get to know myself. Lastly, I always spend time doing stuff alone to simply make sure I feel good about myself.

Today I live as a queen who stands with her head held high no matter what obstacles come my way. I am a daughter who strives to make her Angels up above see that anything is possible. I am a sister who leads by example and shows young girls and women that you are you not defined by what you look like or what you have but to be the best you God made you to be.

- Caroline

Life Gems with Tiffany Gonzalez: What's for you is for you

What's for you is for you

Self-care might be one of the simplest, and yet hardest things to do. Why? Well because we find it difficult to put the same effort in ourselves that we put into our loved ones, our careers, and our social life. At least, that has always been the case for me. I've spent countless hours worried about others and how they "seem" happy, and not enough hours worried about my own happiness. In today's day and age, social media has us even more wrapped up in everyone's business than in our own. We simply lose ourselves in the world around us. 

 

I've always felt behind in life; like I am not meant to be where I am currently stationed. It drove me to a point where I couldn't keep driving forward. I kept moving backwards, driving in circles; wondering why I felt so unhappy with my life, but don't get me wrong, I am blessed, and truly fortunate to have the things I have in my life: a family, shelter and food, encouraging friends, a job that's building itself into a promising career, and a strong educational background as I get closer to completing my Masters degree in Communication and Media. However, the problem is that when you compare yourself to others, you will never find peace within yourself and with where life has taken you, regardless of all of your accomplishments (small or big because they all
count). Your successes end up never feeling right enough, or big enough, or substantial enough because you aren't where you "believe" you should be...right there along with everyone else, or where you "assume" everyone else is: married, kids, high-paying job, house/apartment, the whole "American Dream". I'm laughing as I write this because I know it sounds ridiculous, but my brain thought otherwise, for so long, and I'm sure a good amount of you can relate. 

 

Let me tell you all something though, it's never too late to start loving yourself. It's never too late to start focusing on yourself instead of everyone else. It's never too late to say "enough is enough; I'm done hurting myself". We owe it to ourselves to make a change. For starters, let's be honest and real here, it isn't something that happens overnight. It takes patience and constantly checking yourself. It's about perspective, and training your mind to perceive things differently than what you're already used to. For me, it's all about working on how I view things and reminding myself that it's okay to not be stationed where everyone else seems to be. Happiness is not about what others want you to be or where you are, in comparison to others, it's about how you feel about yourself. That's why we must take care of ourselves. Practice positive affirmations, compliment yourself, look in the mirror and stare at that one feature you've never been too keen of, and start falling in love with it. Most importantly, don't be afraid to seek professional help if you need it. Sometimes we just need to talk to someone who has an unbiased point of view. As humans we are complex individuals, and our minds can be an abyss of doubt, fears and insecurities. There is no shame in asking someone to help you decipher those thoughts. Start worrying less about what society and others will think, and start worrying more about your mind, body and spirit. The rest will eventually start falling into place. 

 

After reading this, take a moment and close your eyes. Then, take a deep breath and say, "today, I will focus on me." Don't be scared to take time for yourself and to start loving who you are. 

 

Wishing you all a happy journey to self discovery and love!

-Tiffany

Life Gems with Tracy Wells: Be patient with yourself

Be patient with yourself

The biggest lesson I have learned about self-love is… “To thine own self be true”, one of my favorite quotes by Polonius. Self-Love is the best LOVE and being true to myself is the best lesson I have ever learned about self-Love. I am 49 years old starring fifty in the eyes and it has taken me all these years to really truly and fully understand what self-love really is.  I always thought I knew what it was and thought that I loved myself but the truth was I didn’t.  In fact I did not even like myself.  After I graduated high school I went into the military.  During my short tour I was deployed to UAE during Desert Storm.  When I returned I had PTSD but did not realize it.  Or maybe I did but was in denial. Years of going through life trying to find my way and make sense of things.  I was always known as the happy go lucky girl, the one that everyone loved and even the one (as I was told) many envied for whatever reason.  But no one knew that this happy go luck girl was only what they saw on the outside.  It was my coping mechanism and what I did to survive.  I got dressed for work or my day, put on my happy face and went out to start my day.  What they did not see was the girl who cried all night and was suffering inside.  They did not see the girl who stayed in bed for days at a time because it was easier to deal with things that way.  In 2007 I was a victim of rape.  I moved out of my place and in with my parents for two years.  Two very, very long years.  Although I was grateful for my parents letting me stay with them this was the worst two years of my life.  Not only was I burying and not acknowledging the fact that I was just violated in the worst way but as a grown woman going back to my parents’ house with three children it was just very challenging.  I had my rules but yet my parents had their rules.  I was working three jobs, in school full time and still raising three kids.  No time to start the healing process.  My pile of “whatever” (this was the pile of things I did not want to address) was busting at the seams.  In 2009 I moved out of my parents’ home, graduated with a Bachelor’s in Science degree and was able to work only one full time job.  I was the happiest I had been in awhile…..and then…..my trial came up.  I had no choice to face what I did not want to face.  After going through that and winning I sunk into a deep depression.  From physical pain in my body, health issues, and of course just dealing with life and things I had not dealt with.  There were days I did not even see the rest of my house because I never got up out of the bed.  My children were old enough to fin for themselves and they helped me in every way they could.  My daughter even had to help dress me because physically I could not.  I could have qualified for a home health nurse.  I was at a point of just giving up.  Then one day my brother Eddy said to me, “you got to move sis, if you don’t move, you’ll die!”  Geeze, this was not what I wanted to hear but it definitely was what I needed to hear.  I didn’t want to die or leave my kids.  I decided at that point I was going to get better.  I stated telling myself I was healthy and I was going to be ok.  I started to speak life and every chance I had to get up and get things for myself, instead of getting my kids to do it, I did.  I slowly started to turn my situation around.  Even though I was making major progress in one area I still continued to have pain and deal with issues of depression and PTSD.  When everything came to a head I realized, even threw my pain I continued to do so much for others because this person was sick, or this person needed this, or this person needed that, or even simply because I knew what it was like to need help and I remembered people that were there for me along the way.  Something was missing though, I wasn’t putting as much time and energy into me.  I vowed to strive to be better in every aspect of my life.  Physically, mentally, and spiritually.  Small steps in the right direction started to make huge differences in my life.  My life is not perfect but I am positioned for greatness!!!  I know who I am and I know whose I am. I have learned to Love me for me! I have learned to like the skin that I am in.  I accept me for who I am. The good, bad and indifferent.   I am also enjoying doing things for me and investing time in the one person who has been and will always be here for me.  If I can’t love me, why should anyone else.  If I can’t Love me, how can I Love anyone one else.

 Life sure does have a funny way of throwing things our way.  Some things we have control of but there are a lot of things we don’t.  Everyone is different.  Different things set me off that would not phase the next person and vice versa.  Because I also deal with PTSD I have extra triggers on a level that sometimes seems unreal.  What I have learned is, you have to find out what works for you.  Know what your triggers are and how to deal with them.  As a Christian Woman of God, He gives me what I need when I need it!  I try to keep my focus on the Lord and let Him guide me.  Singing is my passion.  I feel like I was born to sing.  Starting my day with Praise and Worship and busting into song at random times is sometimes all I need to turn things around.  How can you be mad and sing a Praise and Worship song right!?!? However, there are times the ugly comes out of me (Hey, I’m human and a work in progress).  When this happens I just have to let it go and regroup once I calm back down.   I guess it is all about continuing to move forward.  My pastor always said, “the best way to get through a mess is to keep on going.” I like to use this approach when I am triggered by life. No matter what the situation is.  Take it day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute and yes I have even had to go second by second.


- Tracy

More Life..More Love.. November Tings

I can't stand New Years  resolutions. I love the idea of starting over and getting another chance to make things better but to me, the thought of "resolutions" sound like failure before the process. It's like subconsciously tricking your mind to get excited about a grander life when you're skinnier, wealthier, etc. Just to take the edge off of the unknown and unavoidable work that will have to be put in. Because let's face it, who likes the unknown and who the hell likes having to work? I guess this is because I'm not a planner. I wish I were but I'm just not. I like simply doing. For me, too much planning leads to too much thought and then possible disaster. I'm prone to worrying so my thoughts can go from one stranger thing to another. Maybe it's my inner conflict with change or maybe my fear of not reaching a goal. Or maybe I'm a NYE hater. (shrugs)

This year has flown by so fast and I've had a lot of amazing experiences so far. As well as some other experiences that whether voluntary or involuntary there were opportunities presented for growth that I am grateful for. Although we're two months way from planning goals for the new year, today is November 1st and for some beautifully, odd reason I woke up inspired by the new possibilities that this month has to offer.
Every opportunity to be great or educated about something new. Trips to the museums. New music to add to my life's soundtrack. New people to met. A new recipe. New Netflix binge. A new fall color to expand my already colossal lipstick collection. New experiences to spin into a Blooming in Enough II. Who knows what it is? I don't! But I'm embracing it.