Living with regrets!

This is the time of year where your timelines on  Facebook, snap chat and Instagram is bombarded with a barrage of pictures of proms, graduations, and weddings. It’s truly a beautiful time for families and I love seeing the people I know celebrating these moments with their loved ones but I can't help but to think "what if".

"What if I kept the baby that I was pregnant with at 19?

That could be my son or daughter going to their formal or getting ready to go to high school. What type of mother would I've been? How would have keeping my baby have changed my life besides the obvious? Would I be a cool mom or Over protective mom? I know having a baby by a man absolutely does not guarantee that you and he will be a family but, I wonder how our interaction would have been. Possibly together? Most likely not! But more importantly I think about the baby. Would it have been a boy or a girl? Who would've she or he resembled the most? Would they have been creative like me or diligent like their father? Would they have been outgoing like me or laid back like him? Have my moody attitude or his tendency to be secretive and bend the truth (sips my Tetley super green tea). It’s not just this time of year that brings these questions to the forefront of my mind because I actually think about them all the time. Especially since I'm at the point in my life that I really want a family. However this year is a bit different because one of mothers celebrating her child is my age. I actually know her personally because we went to school together. As a matter of fact my child would have only been a couple of months younger than hers so it hit home so hard. We were both pregnant our senior years; super green to the world and all that life had in store for us. The thought of being a young mom scared the shit out of me. Of course getting an abortion scared me too but not like being responsible. (Mind you, I'm just relaying my past thoughts.) I had no idea who I was or what I wanted to do with my life. My prom pictures are still packed away and were never given out because you can see my belly bulge. Even though I participated in school activities at the time, I was being homeschooled for the remainder of the school year due to an emotional breakdown months prior. I was neck deep in depression and an active cutter. My baby dad was locked up and if you caught the shade I threw earlier in the post than I’m sure I can tell I don't care too much for him. He and I broke up a couple months before I got pregnant and honestly, I was dealing with a whole other guy who was 10 years older than me when I got pregnant. (Please reserve your judgment, thanks) although I had a great support system that consisted of two awesome friends that I still call my sisters to this day, my mom, dad and brother, I was still a broken little girl bringing a baby into a mess. That was the last thing I wanted. I recall a time when I was in bed trying to sleep but the thought of an actual human being alive and growing in my body cancelled any plans of rest and I stayed up the whole night crying and praying.

My pregnancy was terminated on April 28 2004 at 2 1/2 months.

My feelings often sway from contentment to disappointment to utter sadness and then here come the “what ifs”. As I try to remember the reasons that lead to the decision I made, I tell the 19 year old Krystal that all eventually turned out ok and you did what you felt was best for you at that time. Which is the truth. But I struggle with what to say to 33 year old single, Krystal who's thoughts stretch from what type of mother I would’ve been to if I’ll ever be a mother. I would be lying if I said that at times I didn’t feel like I was being punished but I like to believe that’s not my Gods way.  We can’t change anything that we’ve done in the past and I believe that the hardest thing for a lot of us to do when it comes to the topic of regret is detaching the emotions attached to our past decisions from who we are in the present.


It’s hard. Damn hard. But the like the famous quote by Robert Frost says “The only way out is through”. Move forward with forgiveness for self and learn to live with the regrets.

 

I'm going on break..yall want anything?

I'm not sure if Superman or Superwoman ever took "time out" periods but in the real world there is no such thing as Superman and Superwoman. You can have similar qualities but you're still a human being that needs a moment if not two, to regroup and reset when need be.

April was my golden, blooming month. I turned 33 on the 3rd and released my first book on the 14th.

May was my month of maturity. Emphasis on maturity. I had no choice but to interact closely with people that I don't see it for AT ALL. Being that I physically have a difficult time acting as though I'm okay with the situation or person when I'm not, this definitely brought me out of my comfort zone. On the other hand in the month of May I also disconnected myself from a few people and ended relationships that were no longer healthy or servicing me.

And now we're in June. The beginning of a new season in many aspects for me. There's so many things that are going to be taking place this month that it's important for me to pull away from everything that requires more than I have to offer right now to rest and resolve within myself. 

I've been paying a lot more attention to my body and I'm finding that I am more irritable than usual with people and myself. I've caught myself being distracted by matters that have absolutely nothing to do with the woman I am or becoming. Not to mention that I have a horrible habit of entertaining toxicity and also giving off that same energy. And I hate that! I hate that I haven't mastered my own energy yet. As a creative( I'm literally cringing..yall know how I feel about titles lol) my emotions are always on one hundred and my mind and heart get effected more deeply than the average person so it's important for me to check myself before reality does. Social media can be such a tricky place that if you're not careful you can lose yourself trying to help people discover who they are. I've decided that for the remainder of this month I'm taking some time to be selfish enough to be generous towards my soul.  

Church Vs. State(of mind)

I was a little leery to write about mental wellness because it's such to delicate topic but in light of recent tragedies and the fact that I literally stumbled upon this article that pretty much had me screaming at my computer while at work, I knew it was time. Today I posted the following on Instagram about the importance of getting help for your mental wellbeing.

Sydnei Jarman, Editor in Chief of Her Modern Life, not only pulled the sheets off of the "pray it away" theory but also incorporated practical steps towards getting the help that is needed. There are so many people that don't get help out of fear of being labeled "crazy" so they suffer in silence. Then there are people who do seek help but get frustrated and hopeless because what looked like healing for others didn't work for them.

I had the most darkest and difficult time dealing with my depression while I was in church. Not at all because I didn't have enough faith in Christ to bring me healing, but because by the time I could no longer be cute and mute about the war happening inside of me, I was spooked into thinking I was demon-filled instead of a girl who was neglecting the wellness of her mind. Contrary of how I was made to feel, I fell in love with Christ in that moment of my life because I grew to know Him personally. While dealing with extreme anxiety and depression, I came upon my favorite verse that still chokes me up to this day.

"Who [faithfully] remembered us in our lowly condition,

For His loving-kindness endures forever"- Psalm 136:23

I do believe this verse hand in hand with professional help saved me. Note that I mentioned           pro-fes-sional help but if you it eases your spirit to keep things in a biblical sense, take the following into consideration. The apostle Luke was a doctor and referenced as such. Yes, God can be your healer and lawyer, etc but He also has granted people the wisdom to be experts of that field in this natural world.

On the other hand, as far a diagnoses is considered and this is truly my personally opinion, I do believe that we are quick to diagnosis people as manic depressive or bipolar because they display signs of sadness or irrational ways of coping. Sometimes folk are just sad or bothered about a situations and need healthy strategies on getting to the root of their problem and changing their way of thinking. Of course that's not everybody but a diagnoses of mental illness isn't for everyone either and I can really go on and on about how convenient it is for other races to be label as mentally ill after they shoot up schools and churches but African Americans are killed on site if not immediately thrown in jail...but that's for a different post.

All in all, seeking help is one of the most bravest and strongest things one can ever do for themselves. Its more important for the masses (church are carnal) to be slow to judge and quick to heal.

Thoro Gem Thursday: When The Whole Gang Lit!!! Supa Cent, Da Real BB Judy and Tokyo Vanity

This weeks thoro gem feature is not one but three beautiful and successful women from New Orleans, Louisiana. Not only are they making huge names for themselves in their respective fields but they're also best friends in real life. Supa Cent, Da Real BB Judy and Tokyo Vanity.

Supa Cent grew to fame by making hilarious and too real videos about herself and life experiences on the Vine and Instragram. Everything from her comedic videos to  #StoryTimeWithSupa ,her #AskSupa segments where followers reach out to her for words of advice, to #CookingWithSupa and of course the supa (see what I did there LOL) success of her very own cosmetic line The Crayon Case. Also a music manger, clothing designer, and just one year into becoming a major indy brand, Supa proves that with belief in yourself and dedication there's no excuse to not chase greatness.

But wait, how genesis is her branding by making the makeup of her brand look like actually school supplies! Sis was really on to something.


On another note, over this past weekend she hosted an event in her home town of New Orleans where her now fiancé that we all know as Lou, proposed to her. Congratulations love!




















You may have seen her along side her bestie, Jesseca Dupart affectionately known as Da Real

BB Judy, CEO of Kaleidoscope Hair Products. In 2014, Judy launched her brand in with her savings and a plan. If you tell me that you haven't seen her videos where she's busting in studio sessions, running down of celebrities in the streets or interrupting brunch dates to advised potential clients on their need of her miracle drops, I'm going to ask you where have you been?!

 Of course all her videos are in good fun and pre-planned with everyone involved, Judy knew how to catch the attention and memory of her audience with her brilliant marketing. She also doesn't shy away from  sharing knowledge. You can see her in several interviews sharing her tips for success and spreading love.

The baby of crew, Tokyo Vanity is famously known for her 2015 hit single "That's My Best Friend".Tokyo has been booked and busy with getting her feet wet in the music game and also recently casted as one of the new and fan favorite personalities on Love and Hip Hop Atlanta.  Personally, I don't care too much for LLHH Anywhere, but watching her a few others is cool from time to time. On the show, Tokyo revealed that she was a virgin and received a lot of mixed opinions about her personal choice to remain on lock and key until further notice. I LOVE IT!! A lot of young girls and even grown women get caught up in the pressures of sex so her unapologetic stance is refreshing and NEEDED.

The authenticity and obvious love between these ladies is something awesome to watch. They're supportive, hold each other accountable, promote each others company's and encourage one another  like a friend should. I remember a couple months ago I saw a video where Judy surprised Supa with keys to her own store. I cried watching that video because that level of friendship is beautiful. She believed enough in her friend to assist in making her dreams a solidified brand. My TGT features pale in comparison to that level of support, but that's the reason why I do Thoro Gem Thursday. I love spreading love and have NEVER BEEN A HATER. When women support other women, its as powerful as a movement and when the support is in your own circle...you lit!

Supa, Judy, and Tok, you ladies are some thoro gems.

For more information ob these ladies, check out their social media handles and websites below.


Supa Cent:
IG: @supa_cent and @thecrayoncase
www.thecrayoncase.com


Da Real BB Judy:
IG @darealbbjudy
www.iluvcolors.com


Tokyo Vanity:
IG @tokyoxvanity
Twitter @tokyoxvanity

Thoro Gem Thursday: Joy Newby

"The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others." —Mahatma Ghandi

This weeks thoro gem is Joy Newby. Full time Mother, Nurse and CEO. She's the co-owner of Acute Medical Staffing. This personally makes me proud because she is from my hometown and I love
seeing people I know purse their dreams.

Along with her business partner, Deanna, Joy recently opened up a staffing agency called Acute Medical Staffing based in East Brunswick ,NJ that services the surrounding areas. Their primary goal is to assist registered and certified individuals in the medical field seek employment as well as helping employers  hire qualified healthcare professionals. When Joy initially introduced the launch of her new venture on Instagram, she expressed that while in her 2nd term of nursing school, she and Deanna, starting making plans to become CEO's in the field that they both have a passion for. Within 2 years of graduating, their dream of owning a business came true and they are current hiring.










































I have so much respect and admiration for  people in the health care profession. It's definitely a field of love because aside from the money or professional status you really need to have a sincere concern for the wellness of another human being. That in itself is so beautiful.

Ambitious and beautiful inside and out, Joy, you truly are a thoro gem.

For further info about the agency, visit their website at www.acutemedicalstaffing.com and Instagram @acutemedical

Thoro Gem Thursday: Candice "Unending Battle" Williams

"The one lesson I've learned more than anything about my journey is that you have to love yourself and that includes the good and bad days as well as loving yourself on the outside and inside."- Candice Williams

This week's thoro gem is Candice Williams also known as Unending Battle on IG. I started following her weight loss journey over a year ago. I thought it was interesting that her handle is unending battle, because it's very true. Any type of change requires constant disciple and personal motivation to keep going despite what you feel. Even after you've fought the good fight and achieved your goal or at least a portion of your goal, sometimes it can still feel like you're battling with the old you. She has been such an inspiration for me on many different levels.

#1. Sis lost over 260 lbs NATURALLY. Now I don't judge anyone for any alterations they choose to make on their body. It's their body to do whatever whether that's weight loss surgery, implants, augmentations, fat transfer, ect. DO WHAT YOU YOU GOTTA DO FOR YOU! However, it is good to see someone who decided to take the road of dedication and discipline. #2. I personally know how devastingly stressful and discouraging this fight can be so the encouragement that she gives herself, she also pours into others through inspirational posts.

Candice works a full time job, takes care of three beautiful dogs and still finds time to teach body pump, body flow, and yoga throughout the week. The only surgery she has undergone were 4 excess skin removal surgeries which is understandable when you learn that she went from over 400lbs to 200 lbs. She looks great and her positivity radiates through her. She is totally open and authentic with her story about her physical and emotion transformation and even refers to her followers as "warriors", encouraging them to always push through. You can follow her journey on IG at @unendingbattle and her website www.unendingbattle.com








Doing the work and being an inspiration, Candice Williams you truly are a thoro gem.

Thoro Gem Thursday: Jessica Jenkins

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord should be praised.
                                                                                                                                Proverbs 31:30






I love bragging about all the beautiful things that women are doing around me and in the world but it's an honor when I'm talking about someone that I personally know, admire and love.
My good, good sister-fran Jessica Jenkins moved from Philadelphia to Tennessee with plans to further her education. Through hard work, perseverance and faith that all things are working together for her good, I'm am beyond proud to announce that on Saturday, May 12th my girl will be graduating with her Master's of Divinity from Central Baptist Theological Seminary. And Lord willing, she will later become a Chaplain for hospice care.


I was excited to hear about her move when she decided to go to seminary. Since we first met back in 2013 through Pinky Promise (an organization started by Heather Lindsay) she's always been someone that I can reach out to for anything. Sis will pray for me, fast with me. So in my opinion this move was perfect for her. But I know it wasn't always easy being away from your support system while the stressors of life take no brakes but she found victory over it all trough her faith in God's plan.


Like I said earlier in the post, Jessica is more than my friend she's been like a sister. My worries, stories and secrets are safe with her. I even use to send her excerpts of my book while I was still writing it just to get her insight so you knooooow I trust her.




A writer, A worshiper, a beautiful vessel, Jessica you truly are a thoro gem.