Dear Lover Pt.1 Writtten by Krystal Schley

dipped in dark

scent of cocoa made the old way like in the forests of Punta Cuna

everything’s pure and drips organically

calm like untroubled waters

your smile is a melody I could dance to all night

not one bad vibe in sight

everything I see feels warm

tastes beautiful

and sounds golden

we're guided by love

we speak honesty

we hold each other safe like seatbelts

you’re fastened by me my dear.... you’re forever good here

Take No L's

One thing I try to be  is timely. Being fashionably late to a party is one thing but when it comes to work, meetings, or handling any kind of business, I think there's nothing more tackier than arriving after your expected time. Maybe that's where my Virgo moon kicks in to keep my Aries sun in order yet here I am rushing into my first therapy session damn near 10 minutes late. Ugh!

My feelings of embarrassment and angst quickly started to disappear when I walked in her office. The first thing I saw were two cushioned vintage armchairs upholstered in a mustard velvet fabric. For starters, yellow in particularly mustard and antique styled furniture are my faves. The lighting in her small office was dim and the olive walls were decorated with framed inspirational quotes and old fashion styled keys. There were actually different sized keys everywhere around the office. I wondered what they symbolized for her. Was there some sort of figurative connection or does she just likes keys. Either way, I like interesting things like that about people. That one obvious thing that means something meaningful to them. Like my cousin who is obsessed with elephants and how you cant go anywhere in her house without being greeted by one because she believes they bring fortune and wisdom. I guess that's what made me feel comfortable. Even though I'm not yet familiar with her I was familiar with the intimate vibe her quaint office provided and I appreciated the safety in that feeling.

I sunk into the chair across from her and slowly leaked the reasons I sought out her services. Why I feel lonely. Why I'm so defensive. Why my drinking fluctuates. Why I just feel stuck. During the time I briefed her on the last 3 years of my life, there were some parts where I would intentionally break away from her eye contact in shame. It wasn't that I was afraid of her judgment but you know that feeling when you know better. When you know you're too old, too fly and too intelligent to be in some of the mess you're involved in. Well I felt like that. At the end of our session one thing she said that spoke volumes to me was the scripture Romans 8:28. (Mind you, I wasn't even looking for a spiritual therapist so that moment felt kismet)

"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. "

She paraphrased it but this was in reference to what I shared with her. All of the reasons I was there. The experiences that cut me deep and the losses that I took all hurt but it hurts worst because mentally I'm still living in those memories. Never accepting kept me bound to that pain. The physical separation is good but before I can effectively move forward I need to accept whatever happened. The self-awareness, wisdom and strength I gained is good but acceptance is the key in taking back the power any loss stole.

My losses were only losses because I didn't accept the experiences for what they were. That revelation made me realize that while I'll always have to face some sort of disappointment, the real L is not accepting what is.

Life Gems with Milan Ervin: Expanding your boundaries to shift your perspective

“Independence is so important to me but knowing when to seek support is just as important.” – Milan Ervin



I define self soul care as taking care of your entire person. How do you practice self soul-care?

I absolutely believe in self soul care. One way that I practice this is by traveling. I highly believe in the work/life balance. 

*****

What is the biggest lesson you've learned about self love and how do you incorporate that into your life?

*****

The biggest lesson that I’ve learned about self love is that it takes YOU to decide what you need and how it will best help to shape not only your spirit but your mentality as well. I would say that practicing self care by traveling has made me so much more independent and open minded to the world around me. It has helped to center my being by humbling my center. The world is so big and wide, it really makes you take a step back and realize the small space we occupy in our own little worlds. Each place that I visit, I take a piece with me (literally& figuratively) and that place in time stays with me and that in itself is comforting. 

 *****

We often see more women than men speaking on mental health wellness. At any point in your life did you struggle with speaking on what you were feeling and thinking out of fear of not being taken serious? If so, do you still feel that way and why?

We’re human, so being flawed comes with the territory, no matter who you are or where you come from. For me, it goes back to wanting to maintain my independence. I have a “do it yourself” attitude when it comes to myself because I often feel that it’s expected or that I don’t want to bother others. Especially if I know I can do it myself. I am learning that it’s ok to ask for help sometimes and I have made progress. I am an older brother with younger cousins whom I was responsible for, so I guess it goes back to that time. Independence is so important to me but knowing when to seek support is just as important. I am a work in progress. 

I sought help today!

I shuffled through the suggestion list of new reads, or should I say sounds, on my audible app. I was hoping that I wouldn't have to type in the description bar what exactly I was looking for and that miraculously in some divine moment of God looking out for his child, my eyes would run across a title that spoke to my needs. But of course that didn't happen. So I tapped out of my pride and on the search glass icon and typed in "Self help". I'm no stranger to stranger things more less the taboo of therapy which I am a strong believer in and advocate for, however, sometimes you just feel like you aint got time for that. All the crying , unearthing and rearranging that will definitely come as a result of ...well...getting help.

Rewind to when I was about 13, I was forced into counseling due to my odd behavior like isolation and self-mutilation which was me cutting my forearms. I still don't feel comfortable saying this was a cry for attention but it most certainly stemmed from poor self image and a major lack of confidence. The sessions weren't bad but they didn't help either and this lead to several visits to the physiologist and nurses office throughout the rest of my high school years and then on and off in my younger adult life.

Fast forward to this morning, I swiped through the book suggestions of both authors I've never heard of to ones whose work I'm very familiar with. From Memoirs to Self-Development. New age practices, spiritual rituals to religious guidance. Somehow I even ended up amongst the hood novels which I found rather ironic being that this was apart of my problem but I digress. I listened to a couple of the self help book synopsis to get a better feel for what I may be in store for and nothing...I mean NOT A THING resonated.  No offense against the published works but I didn't find them worth the time to listen or my free credit. Then, as if my fingers had a mind of their own, I googled black therapist in new jersey, found someone whose profile I was comfortable with and submitted my cry for help. Why? Because I went to bed last night unsettled and woke up feeling over being "over it". Transparency has never been my problem. Its been allowing the recipe of unpacking and releasing to effectively brew without putting my hands in the pot.

Step 1. Admittance. Step 2. Taking action towards change. I'll let you know Step 3 when I get there. 

Feature Alert!

In June, I had the pleasure to be featured on Women on the Grind. WOTG is a website that shines the spotlight on women who simply put, are doing their with their gifts, talents and time.


Sisterhood is imperative for feminine healing, growth and pushing visions forward. I was very honored to be published alongside other women out here in the world making the differences that we can.


Something powerful happens when women link up even if its over the net.


You can read my interview here.

Thoro Gem Thurday: Courtney Melski

“I want everyone to feel comfortable enough to be a woman in this scary world where everyone is against us.”– Courtney Melski



TGT IS BACK!! YAAAYYYY! And this week's Thoro Gem feature is Courtney Melski who was inspired to ignite change earlier this year when congress started to approve an abortion bans throughout the US.  Not only did she voice her option against the ban on her social media platforms but she decided to make a bigger statement by creating a line of t-shirts with inspirational quotes and images to encourage both women and men to stand up for women rights.

The sad thing is that basic human rights for women are still on the table of discussion as if our bodies were on display at buffet and people can pick and choose what they desire. The beautiful thing is that young ladies like Courtney can speak up for this type of injustice, be heard, seen and taken seriously so when I asked Courtney what about this ban triggered her in such a way to begin her line, she said:

“As women from any background, religion, etc. we all have one very thing in common. We are the only ones that have the power and the strength to conceive children. Whether we can bear them or not we are the only ones that have that ability. I don’t see why 25 men were able to determine what we can do with our bodies. Hence the shirt “My Pussy My Opinion”. How many of those men have been pregnant? Zero. How many of them have been stripped of their bodies by women? Zero. How many of those men have been pregnant due to a rape? Zero. But those are the ones that are telling us what we can and cannot do with our bodies. The female body is such magic, from head to toe with different colors, shapes, etc. We are literally like a home, not only for the children we carry but the people around us. Women are comforting and this ban is making life 10x harder. These men aren’t just stripping us from our bodies, they’re stripping us from our voices, our power, and our lives. My reproduction is my body and my body is always going to be mine. We women need be united and we can’t let anyone burn out the fire that we have igniting in us.”

Courtney, for being fearless and in the face of adversity , you're truly a thoro gem!

Courtney's t-shirts can be purchased via her instagram @cmelskii

Bury the Dead and Live your Life

The Day Of.

At 12:00 am I was in the shower with a head full of conditioner and rinsing the Nair off of my body.I fell behind schedule just a little bit because I wanted to be hairless, lathered up, and relaxing while bringing in my birthday but it was all good. My cousin came in the bathroom to sing her custom rendition of  Happy Birthday and then pray over me before she went to bed. A BIH IS 34 Y'ALL! I cant say I'm where I hoped and prayed I would be at this age but I guess I can't complain. The life lessons and experiences have been one for the books, literally, and for that I'm grateful. In the next couple weeks I'll be moving into my first, very own place. I have a speaking engagement and its also the one-year anniversary of my first book. Although, there are few things that I want, I'm not in lack and I learned you can't rush anything. At least nothing authentic. Anyway, because of paying bills and buying stuff for my new apartment, I brought in my birthday with zero funds. Thankfully my god sister took me out to lunch and my mother had me over for dinner and drinks so I was still able to feel special and celebrated before coming home and enjoying my quietness. The day was honestly peaceful except the undertone of loneliness and anxiety that would dip in and out of the hours of my birthday.

For the past couple years I've been engaging in a love that is mine but also isn't. I'll spare you the bullshit of my full of shit love story but it has been a very tumultuous, oddly exciting and very heartbreaking experience with this individual. I've been to the point of walking away forever just to be drawn back by my own curiosity of "is this possibly where the love of my soul mate resides?" Obviously the reality of both of our lives should have said NO and for my actions I have no excuse to offer. But it was something about his phone call yesterday. The audacity of his tone. The conversations that followed along with his display of joy and happiness on social media that is extremely different than the feelings of misery about his life that he shares with me. All of this made me realize I have been snatching out the stitches of my wounds every single time I allow him back into my life. The evidence of God's grace is very much present around me so if I'm stagnant in this area it's because I parked myself in his empty promises and half-assed expressions of love. His "love btw, Fake news! 11:36pm  I found myself staring at my ceiling demanding my tear ducts to remain disciplined and still. Not one more motherfucking tear is going to fall out of my face because of him. Not on my birthday and not ever again. And with that I went to sleep.

The Morning After.

I woke up to countless Facebook notifications and text messages wishing me either a Happy or Happy belated birthday. It really wasn't until after I turned 30 that I really started to celebrate my birthday. No matter what that celebration looked like. Whether it was a trip out of town, fancy dinner with my closest loved ones or a quite night at home stress free without the worry of the right contour or perfect lip to compliment a sexy dress that screams in the words of our Queen Mother Beyonce " Bitch,  I'm grown". Nope, just home enjoying a glass of wine or maybe even a bottle just celebrating life.

I feel blessed but I'd be lying if I said I didn't still feel anxious because of this man that I've loved for so long beyond rational understanding. The man, that in a perfect world, I would have celebrated my birthday with somewhere waking up unclothed and hung-over. The thought of this made me want to be bitter and messy. But what good would that do? The fact of the matter is nothing that I can say, do or even expose will change anything  accept people's opinions about me. Besides, it would just be conjuring the dead and I don't like to play with my demons. Us. He and I. Whoever or whatever we were to each other has been dead for some time now but I have acted as faithful as a widow who vowed she would never love another man again. Well, that shit is dead now too. This morning I left my home to get some coffee and had a conversation with myself that this is the last time his spirit of deception will have rulership over my heart. I blocked every channel in which it would be possible for him to contact me and adjusted my fucking crown. I hate that it took me years to realize this wasn't love but a karmic cycle. I'm embarrassed that I found comfort in a lie. I'm ashamed that I compared the worthiness of me and another woman as if either one of us deserves his shitty offerings. He was having his cake and eating it just to leave me to clean up the mess every time. Its too much of a task to put back together the pieces of yourself that you continually give someone else just to break over and over again. No more clumsy assholes. That's no way to live. That's not how I'm going to live anymore.

EX FCKN HALE!!!!!!

I just sat here and watched Waiting to Exhale back-to-back. You know you been through some shit when you can relate to Every. Single. Character.

ROBIN: YOUNG AND DUMB. A victim to preference and the wrong type of man for us. Believing that we were that LIT to change a nigga. Not understanding that he is his own individual and will make his choices based on his decisions no matter how much of a catch we are.

SAVANNAH: TIRED OF THE BULLSHIT. We know that all our choices aren't the right ones but sometimes you just got to roll the dice because you never quite fucking know. Even when we crap out we don't lose faith in the fact that the next role would be our winner.

BERNADETTE: SOMETIMES YOU GOT TO SET IT OFF TO GET YOUR POINT ACROSS. How dare his ass! I'm sorry.. let me explain that in depth. How dare his trifling, Lowdown, wasn't shit before I met his ass, while I was with him, and honestly wasn't shit after I left his ass.. able do that bullshit to me??!!!! But guess what bitchass nigga, the final tee-hee-hee is on you because karma is a bitch and she's my best friend. She got something special for your ass.

GLORIA. JUST GIVE ME LOVE ALREADY. I did what I needed to do. Said what I needed to say. And held back what could have got me 25 to Life. What the hell else do you want from me? I have been solid, grounded, and the voice of reason to my circle all while being tried. So again I ask what else do you want from me? I have proven that I'm capable of giving all while  receiving what I didn't feel like I deserved. Just Give Me Love already....

The last 2 minutes of the movie I always have to pause and brace myself. Not for the dramatics of the movie but because of what it does to me and definitely because of the importance of this message. When you get to a certain point in your life where you can relate to every character it's almost like your exhaling with them and that shit is beautiful.

They were celebrating a new year with a mindset to be better moving forward. Even if it's not the new year we can be new with a new idea or new decision. When you accept it, exhale it!!!!

EXHALE SIS!!!

Broken Halos

(Dedicated to the pieces of us we try to reclaim from the dead lovers we buried)

I am guilty of holding onto the dead just to feel alive again

Is it crazy that I want your dry bones wrapped around my flesh one more time again?

Reviving a corpse of a lover to call mine again

I watch the moon drop while thinking about you

My nights have been restless since your departure

Losing sleep trying to hold on to our memories

Even though you brought hell to my earth

It’s hard for me to let you rest in peace

And why should I?

I wasn’t perfect but worth the heaven I tried to build with you

The least you could do is get me a new fucking halo

Forgiveness: Reconcile or Release?

"Forgiveness releases stagnant energy from our bodies and naturally cuts the cord existing between two people."- Shina Sanabria

This is a quote from a recent blog post by Shina Sanabria. This particular post was about sexual energy and clearing attachment to past partners -which by the way is an amazing read. I suggest you go check it out - This sentence stood out to me about forgiveness from a general aspect.

I found it especially interesting that she said forgiveness naturally cuts the cord existing between two people.

Most times when it comes to forgiveness we often associate it with acceptance of the offense and continuing the relationship through reconciliation. In other words, giving the person re-entrance into our life. Not realizing how detrimental to our personal growth and well-being that can be. First and foremost forgiveness is a necessity. Some connections are just no good for you at all. Letting go of an offense is significant to your overall health because holding on to resentment, anger and past trauma leads to stress which can have horrible effects such as depression, unhealthy habits, cardiovascular disease, including heart disease, high blood pressure, abnormal heart rhythms, heart attacks, and stroke. And if you have a horrible habit of harboring things like I have then you've already experienced at least two of those conditions.

What's worth that?

Whatever your spiritual foundation, most faiths speak on practicing forgiveness as a part of your  spiritual journey. We're also in the days affirmations like Love & Light, Positive Vibes Only, and Keeping That Same Energy. We spew out growth through proclamations and quote scripture like our favorite 90's R&B hit. Yet it's so much deeper. Forgiveness is an act of love towards others and most importantly love towards ourselves. But it's not to be confused with approval. 

Have you ever been manipulated into believing that you haven't fully forgiven someone because you've decided not to make room for them in your life any longer? I have! What a horrid thing to believe because in all actuality one doesn't have anything to do with the other. You can harbor no ill will towards someone and want nothing at all to do with them at the same time. Being an asshole isn't necessary but you don't have to be a doormat either. Besides, forgiveness may be the only way you can truly walk away from someone. You might still be bound to each other due to that stagnant energy that you're refusing to let go. 

Of course it is truly up to you how you decide to proceed with the people in your life.

Everybody deserves forgiveness but not everybody deserves a seat at the table.

Your vision will either Intimidate or Inspire

Even in my low moments and operating with an unproductive mindset, I always knew there was greatness in me and greater in store for me. And I'm not special, I mean, yes I am but I know that everybody created has greatness buried in them waiting to bare good fruit in their lives. The difference is that not everybody knows this. Most times those of us that believe better is within us are usually surrounded by people that don't see it or do see it but don't care to see us elevate because of their own insecurities thus making it hard to recognize your purpose. Their resentment was like dirt meant to keep our dreams buried but like the saying goes, they didn't know we were seeds. These people are easily identified because they're discouraging. Negative. Sew seeds of doubt and fear. Unsupportive. They see your insecurities and come up with ways to make them worse.

Don't have an opinion because then you talk too much. Don't you demand respect because then you think too highly of yourself. Don't be offend by their treatment towards you because then you have an attitude problem. Don't distant yourself to protect your peace because then your acting funny. And don't you dare follow your dreams because then you think you're better than them. I know this all too well. Sad thing is that this type of hate rarely came from a stranger. Good thing is these people usually dismissed themselves. They can watch you go through hell, mend your wounds by yourself and get mad that you healed and bounced back better than before. If your light is bright are you suppose to shine or dim it down for the miserable? It's not our job to make people comfortable with us. Shine boo!

Getting through the motions

Most people that know me know that I love poetry. Few people that know me know that 3 years ago I used to perform spoken word locally. This picture was taken one of the nights I was about to recite an original piece entitled "Swimming Lessons" about being betrayed. Most to my poetry was faith-based so it wasn't edgy as far as the language but it's safe to say that the messages were very relate-able to anyone no matter their walk of life. Even though I knew this poem like the back of my hand and this was my umpteenth time getting on stage, I was naturally nervous to perform. I read this poem before. Shit, I lived it but it's always that fear of standing in front of many unfamiliar faces revealing a truth about yourself that has the tendency to send a paralyzing chill throughout your body. In my mind I recited over and over the mantra that I would tell myself before every performance. "Krystal, you got this! God gave you this gift. Someone will need it. You will not mess up. You'll be great."

I waited for my turn. When my name was called I walked bravely to the stage, looked over the crowd, closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Exhaled most of my anxiety and began. The nerves never went away though. After all the words are said and the poem is done, they're still there...tingling. However I got through it. Like I always have. Like I knew I would.




Truth is, even far, far away from the stage and companionship of the microphone. In the privacy of my own affairs. Between the responsibilities of my 9 to 5, making sure home is cozy, and the puppy is fed, the nerves are ever present. I started off this month feeling very enthused about November. I'll say now that my enthusiasm turned into thankfulness for the uncovering of self that I'm experiencing. It's something about this time of year being between the holiday of gratitude and the holiday of love(depending on who you're asking) that can either bring out the very best in a person or the opportunities for improvement in a person. I'm living in both. The past few days I've been on an emotional roller coaster. Being thrilled about the thought of the unknown and shook with fear of walking by faith. It's that odd inkling  that something is not the same but not being able to accurately identify what has changed. I'm imbalanced. I feel motivated. I feel ugly. I feel stunning. I feel close to God then so far from His hand. I get that feeling of being stuck in the angst of never growing beyond where I am. Then I have moments of gratefulness just be here to learn, live and let live. These phases of confidence vs. uncertainty are nothing new so everyday I found myself reciting my mantra. "Krystal, you got this! God gave you this gift. Someone will need it. You will not mess up. You'll be great."


Reminding myself that what's before me is nothing new. I'll get through this. Like I always have. Like I know I will.

Life Gems with Caroline Senion: Live to love

Live to love

"I learned how to love myself after spending years of finding myself" 

As a young girl I thought self-love was something taught by others. Walking in my journey I now know it's something only you can give yourself. I take a day or two to do what I love; which is to write. I simply take time out to write about things that make me happy. I do a mental, physical, and spiritual cleanse from the world to get to know myself. Lastly, I always spend time doing stuff alone to simply make sure I feel good about myself.

Today I live as a queen who stands with her head held high no matter what obstacles come my way. I am a daughter who strives to make her Angels up above see that anything is possible. I am a sister who leads by example and shows young girls and women that you are you not defined by what you look like or what you have but to be the best you God made you to be.

- Caroline

Life Gems with Tiffany Gonzalez: What's for you is for you

What's for you is for you

Self-care might be one of the simplest, and yet hardest things to do. Why? Well because we find it difficult to put the same effort in ourselves that we put into our loved ones, our careers, and our social life. At least, that has always been the case for me. I've spent countless hours worried about others and how they "seem" happy, and not enough hours worried about my own happiness. In today's day and age, social media has us even more wrapped up in everyone's business than in our own. We simply lose ourselves in the world around us. 

 

I've always felt behind in life; like I am not meant to be where I am currently stationed. It drove me to a point where I couldn't keep driving forward. I kept moving backwards, driving in circles; wondering why I felt so unhappy with my life, but don't get me wrong, I am blessed, and truly fortunate to have the things I have in my life: a family, shelter and food, encouraging friends, a job that's building itself into a promising career, and a strong educational background as I get closer to completing my Masters degree in Communication and Media. However, the problem is that when you compare yourself to others, you will never find peace within yourself and with where life has taken you, regardless of all of your accomplishments (small or big because they all
count). Your successes end up never feeling right enough, or big enough, or substantial enough because you aren't where you "believe" you should be...right there along with everyone else, or where you "assume" everyone else is: married, kids, high-paying job, house/apartment, the whole "American Dream". I'm laughing as I write this because I know it sounds ridiculous, but my brain thought otherwise, for so long, and I'm sure a good amount of you can relate. 

 

Let me tell you all something though, it's never too late to start loving yourself. It's never too late to start focusing on yourself instead of everyone else. It's never too late to say "enough is enough; I'm done hurting myself". We owe it to ourselves to make a change. For starters, let's be honest and real here, it isn't something that happens overnight. It takes patience and constantly checking yourself. It's about perspective, and training your mind to perceive things differently than what you're already used to. For me, it's all about working on how I view things and reminding myself that it's okay to not be stationed where everyone else seems to be. Happiness is not about what others want you to be or where you are, in comparison to others, it's about how you feel about yourself. That's why we must take care of ourselves. Practice positive affirmations, compliment yourself, look in the mirror and stare at that one feature you've never been too keen of, and start falling in love with it. Most importantly, don't be afraid to seek professional help if you need it. Sometimes we just need to talk to someone who has an unbiased point of view. As humans we are complex individuals, and our minds can be an abyss of doubt, fears and insecurities. There is no shame in asking someone to help you decipher those thoughts. Start worrying less about what society and others will think, and start worrying more about your mind, body and spirit. The rest will eventually start falling into place. 

 

After reading this, take a moment and close your eyes. Then, take a deep breath and say, "today, I will focus on me." Don't be scared to take time for yourself and to start loving who you are. 

 

Wishing you all a happy journey to self discovery and love!

-Tiffany

Life Gems with Tracy Wells: Be patient with yourself

Be patient with yourself

The biggest lesson I have learned about self-love is… “To thine own self be true”, one of my favorite quotes by Polonius. Self-Love is the best LOVE and being true to myself is the best lesson I have ever learned about self-Love. I am 49 years old starring fifty in the eyes and it has taken me all these years to really truly and fully understand what self-love really is.  I always thought I knew what it was and thought that I loved myself but the truth was I didn’t.  In fact I did not even like myself.  After I graduated high school I went into the military.  During my short tour I was deployed to UAE during Desert Storm.  When I returned I had PTSD but did not realize it.  Or maybe I did but was in denial. Years of going through life trying to find my way and make sense of things.  I was always known as the happy go lucky girl, the one that everyone loved and even the one (as I was told) many envied for whatever reason.  But no one knew that this happy go luck girl was only what they saw on the outside.  It was my coping mechanism and what I did to survive.  I got dressed for work or my day, put on my happy face and went out to start my day.  What they did not see was the girl who cried all night and was suffering inside.  They did not see the girl who stayed in bed for days at a time because it was easier to deal with things that way.  In 2007 I was a victim of rape.  I moved out of my place and in with my parents for two years.  Two very, very long years.  Although I was grateful for my parents letting me stay with them this was the worst two years of my life.  Not only was I burying and not acknowledging the fact that I was just violated in the worst way but as a grown woman going back to my parents’ house with three children it was just very challenging.  I had my rules but yet my parents had their rules.  I was working three jobs, in school full time and still raising three kids.  No time to start the healing process.  My pile of “whatever” (this was the pile of things I did not want to address) was busting at the seams.  In 2009 I moved out of my parents’ home, graduated with a Bachelor’s in Science degree and was able to work only one full time job.  I was the happiest I had been in awhile…..and then…..my trial came up.  I had no choice to face what I did not want to face.  After going through that and winning I sunk into a deep depression.  From physical pain in my body, health issues, and of course just dealing with life and things I had not dealt with.  There were days I did not even see the rest of my house because I never got up out of the bed.  My children were old enough to fin for themselves and they helped me in every way they could.  My daughter even had to help dress me because physically I could not.  I could have qualified for a home health nurse.  I was at a point of just giving up.  Then one day my brother Eddy said to me, “you got to move sis, if you don’t move, you’ll die!”  Geeze, this was not what I wanted to hear but it definitely was what I needed to hear.  I didn’t want to die or leave my kids.  I decided at that point I was going to get better.  I stated telling myself I was healthy and I was going to be ok.  I started to speak life and every chance I had to get up and get things for myself, instead of getting my kids to do it, I did.  I slowly started to turn my situation around.  Even though I was making major progress in one area I still continued to have pain and deal with issues of depression and PTSD.  When everything came to a head I realized, even threw my pain I continued to do so much for others because this person was sick, or this person needed this, or this person needed that, or even simply because I knew what it was like to need help and I remembered people that were there for me along the way.  Something was missing though, I wasn’t putting as much time and energy into me.  I vowed to strive to be better in every aspect of my life.  Physically, mentally, and spiritually.  Small steps in the right direction started to make huge differences in my life.  My life is not perfect but I am positioned for greatness!!!  I know who I am and I know whose I am. I have learned to Love me for me! I have learned to like the skin that I am in.  I accept me for who I am. The good, bad and indifferent.   I am also enjoying doing things for me and investing time in the one person who has been and will always be here for me.  If I can’t love me, why should anyone else.  If I can’t Love me, how can I Love anyone one else.

 Life sure does have a funny way of throwing things our way.  Some things we have control of but there are a lot of things we don’t.  Everyone is different.  Different things set me off that would not phase the next person and vice versa.  Because I also deal with PTSD I have extra triggers on a level that sometimes seems unreal.  What I have learned is, you have to find out what works for you.  Know what your triggers are and how to deal with them.  As a Christian Woman of God, He gives me what I need when I need it!  I try to keep my focus on the Lord and let Him guide me.  Singing is my passion.  I feel like I was born to sing.  Starting my day with Praise and Worship and busting into song at random times is sometimes all I need to turn things around.  How can you be mad and sing a Praise and Worship song right!?!? However, there are times the ugly comes out of me (Hey, I’m human and a work in progress).  When this happens I just have to let it go and regroup once I calm back down.   I guess it is all about continuing to move forward.  My pastor always said, “the best way to get through a mess is to keep on going.” I like to use this approach when I am triggered by life. No matter what the situation is.  Take it day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute and yes I have even had to go second by second.


- Tracy

More Life..More Love.. November Tings

I can't stand New Years  resolutions. I love the idea of starting over and getting another chance to make things better but to me, the thought of "resolutions" sound like failure before the process. It's like subconsciously tricking your mind to get excited about a grander life when you're skinnier, wealthier, etc. Just to take the edge off of the unknown and unavoidable work that will have to be put in. Because let's face it, who likes the unknown and who the hell likes having to work? I guess this is because I'm not a planner. I wish I were but I'm just not. I like simply doing. For me, too much planning leads to too much thought and then possible disaster. I'm prone to worrying so my thoughts can go from one stranger thing to another. Maybe it's my inner conflict with change or maybe my fear of not reaching a goal. Or maybe I'm a NYE hater. (shrugs)

This year has flown by so fast and I've had a lot of amazing experiences so far. As well as some other experiences that whether voluntary or involuntary there were opportunities presented for growth that I am grateful for. Although we're two months way from planning goals for the new year, today is November 1st and for some beautifully, odd reason I woke up inspired by the new possibilities that this month has to offer.
Every opportunity to be great or educated about something new. Trips to the museums. New music to add to my life's soundtrack. New people to met. A new recipe. New Netflix binge. A new fall color to expand my already colossal lipstick collection. New experiences to spin into a Blooming in Enough II. Who knows what it is? I don't! But I'm embracing it.

Life Gems with Javonni Al-Amin: You are already Whole

You are already Whole -Javonni Al-Amin

I practice self love by being very self reflective, filtering, and taking care of my physical needs.  Self reflection keeps me honest and grounded. I'm constantly checking myself to see if I'm ok with the way I'm dealing with life.  If I'm not, I figure out if it's fixable and if I need to take action.  If I am, I enjoy the moment and let myself be proud of myself! I run people, places, and things through a filter. If it doesn't align with happiness or wholeness then just as soon as I can, I let it go. I take raising my children as my life's work.  Because of that, I decided a while ago that I'm not going to let anything get in the way of me growing grounded, whole, well adjusted children. That means that I have to be in good space mentally, emotionally, and physically. Anything that imposes on that, I eliminate.  Loving me is an inside-out job.  I wear Ghanaian waist beads under my clothes as a reminder of the womb I carry, to honor my African heritage, and because I think they're beautiful.  I change my hair often because I can and "beautiful" doesn't have a box to fit in.  Healthy is beautiful, so I love myself to that and not number or a size.  Overall I practice self love by checking in with who God says I am who I want to be, and being ok with the journey.

-Javonni

Life Gems with Renee Slocum

Life Gems with Renee Slocum

What life experience has taught you the importance of loving yourself?

A lot of people have come into my life to supposedly do me good but have actually done me more harm. These people were supposed to take care of me, help me, KEEP me away from hurt harm and danger but instead they've been the ones to inflict it or put me in position to be inflicted. Because of it I've had my guard up ALL MY LIFE! Making it hard for people who really want to do me good. I've learned it's important to love and look out for me above anyone else because there are people who just don’t care about me the way I care about me. For the majority of my childhood, I have been a people pleaser and got hurt the whole time. It’s important to love on yourself to give people insight of how to love you.

How do you practice self-care? 

Taking the time usually on weekends to do WHATEVER it is I want to do. My week mainly revolves around my son and work. The weekend is my time to unwind! Sometimes I read; something I used to love to do and had lots of time to do but that has gotten away from me. Also I study my bible, in depth with my notebook pen and highlighters! Other things are just some self-pampering: mani-pedi. And lastly some adult time! Many moms I’m sure can attest to ADULT time being crucial to self-care because sometimes these little people we birth can drive you NUTS! Lol. I love my son immensely but when the opportunity presents itself, I take it! 

Knowing all that you know now about life, what advice would you give your younger self?

Take care of yourself first. Don't be a people pleaser people will use you and then leave you as soon as they have no more use for you. Respect and love yourself first. You teach people how to treat you and love you by the way you treat and love yourself. It is okay to say no if people walk away because they couldn't get something from you that they wanted or couldn't use you in the way that they wanted to, let them walk away. Always know your worth do not settle for anyone who treats you as though you are less than what you are. You will avoid a lot of hurt and pain staying true to your morals and goals knowing your own worth not being a people-pleaser and never settling for less. Don't be discouraged so easily, keep trying until that goal you said is met no matter how long it takes. Keep God at the center of all things and you will be victorious!

Life Gems with Melanie Tinsley: You are Love

You are Love

It took years upon years for me to realize what self love was and it took even longer for me to establish self-care. As a young girl I grew up motherless. I never experienced that nurturing love that a mother gives. That is a mothers gift to her daughter. So in turn I was not able to establish self love. I gave away my mind, my body, and most of all my soul to the world as if it was free. It wasn’t until I became an adult somewhere around the age of 30, that I started to establish self-love and self care.

I slowly started to realize that I no longer had to give myself relentlessly to this thing called “the world”. I realized that I was able to keep me all to myself. See this thing called life can leave you lost. It can leave you feeling alone in this place called the world. You become so consumed by the needs and wants of everyone and everything around you that you become swallowed whole.

 

But once you realize that you yourself make up the universe, you begin self love. You begin to realize just how precious life is and how precious your life is. You realize you are that diamond in the rough.  And in that very moment you realize that no one can love you, better than you.

 

I care and love for myself setting aside extra time just for me. Why not. I deserve it. I take longer showers in the morning. I don’t let the morning rush hour rush me. I take mental breaks from the world and everything going on around me by closing my eyes and listening to soothing and calming music. I learned to stop giving and giving because the world will keep taking and taking. I take a little less time with others and put a little bit more time into myself. Most of all I stopped letting other peoples opinions define who I am as a woman. 

-Melanie

Life Gems with Denise Lopez: Moments of tranquility matter

Moments of tranquility matter

When life overwhelms me the ways I practice self care is by taking a drive to clear my mind, taking MYSELF on a date by treating myself to my favorite restaurant ,scheduling a spa appointment and whenever I am able to, treating myself to a weekend away from my normal routine. I also practice self care by being selective on who I spend my time with and what I spend my time doing. Most times, I sit alone and play Christian music or piano instrumentals and give my self a moment to process what I'm feeling, then allow myself to get past it and dwell no more.


-Denise