Be patient with yourself
The biggest lesson I have learned about self-love is… “To thine own self be true”, one of my favorite quotes by Polonius. Self-Love is the best LOVE and being true to myself is the best lesson I have ever learned about self-Love. I am 49 years old starring fifty in the eyes and it has taken me all these years to really truly and fully understand what self-love really is. I always thought I knew what it was and thought that I loved myself but the truth was I didn’t. In fact I did not even like myself. After I graduated high school I went into the military. During my short tour I was deployed to UAE during Desert Storm. When I returned I had PTSD but did not realize it. Or maybe I did but was in denial. Years of going through life trying to find my way and make sense of things. I was always known as the happy go lucky girl, the one that everyone loved and even the one (as I was told) many envied for whatever reason. But no one knew that this happy go luck girl was only what they saw on the outside. It was my coping mechanism and what I did to survive. I got dressed for work or my day, put on my happy face and went out to start my day. What they did not see was the girl who cried all night and was suffering inside. They did not see the girl who stayed in bed for days at a time because it was easier to deal with things that way. In 2007 I was a victim of rape. I moved out of my place and in with my parents for two years. Two very, very long years. Although I was grateful for my parents letting me stay with them this was the worst two years of my life. Not only was I burying and not acknowledging the fact that I was just violated in the worst way but as a grown woman going back to my parents’ house with three children it was just very challenging. I had my rules but yet my parents had their rules. I was working three jobs, in school full time and still raising three kids. No time to start the healing process. My pile of “whatever” (this was the pile of things I did not want to address) was busting at the seams. In 2009 I moved out of my parents’ home, graduated with a Bachelor’s in Science degree and was able to work only one full time job. I was the happiest I had been in awhile…..and then…..my trial came up. I had no choice to face what I did not want to face. After going through that and winning I sunk into a deep depression. From physical pain in my body, health issues, and of course just dealing with life and things I had not dealt with. There were days I did not even see the rest of my house because I never got up out of the bed. My children were old enough to fin for themselves and they helped me in every way they could. My daughter even had to help dress me because physically I could not. I could have qualified for a home health nurse. I was at a point of just giving up. Then one day my brother Eddy said to me, “you got to move sis, if you don’t move, you’ll die!” Geeze, this was not what I wanted to hear but it definitely was what I needed to hear. I didn’t want to die or leave my kids. I decided at that point I was going to get better. I stated telling myself I was healthy and I was going to be ok. I started to speak life and every chance I had to get up and get things for myself, instead of getting my kids to do it, I did. I slowly started to turn my situation around. Even though I was making major progress in one area I still continued to have pain and deal with issues of depression and PTSD. When everything came to a head I realized, even threw my pain I continued to do so much for others because this person was sick, or this person needed this, or this person needed that, or even simply because I knew what it was like to need help and I remembered people that were there for me along the way. Something was missing though, I wasn’t putting as much time and energy into me. I vowed to strive to be better in every aspect of my life. Physically, mentally, and spiritually. Small steps in the right direction started to make huge differences in my life. My life is not perfect but I am positioned for greatness!!! I know who I am and I know whose I am. I have learned to Love me for me! I have learned to like the skin that I am in. I accept me for who I am. The good, bad and indifferent. I am also enjoying doing things for me and investing time in the one person who has been and will always be here for me. If I can’t love me, why should anyone else. If I can’t Love me, how can I Love anyone one else.
Life sure does have a funny way of throwing things our way. Some things we have control of but there are a lot of things we don’t. Everyone is different. Different things set me off that would not phase the next person and vice versa. Because I also deal with PTSD I have extra triggers on a level that sometimes seems unreal. What I have learned is, you have to find out what works for you. Know what your triggers are and how to deal with them. As a Christian Woman of God, He gives me what I need when I need it! I try to keep my focus on the Lord and let Him guide me. Singing is my passion. I feel like I was born to sing. Starting my day with Praise and Worship and busting into song at random times is sometimes all I need to turn things around. How can you be mad and sing a Praise and Worship song right!?!? However, there are times the ugly comes out of me (Hey, I’m human and a work in progress). When this happens I just have to let it go and regroup once I calm back down. I guess it is all about continuing to move forward. My pastor always said, “the best way to get through a mess is to keep on going.” I like to use this approach when I am triggered by life. No matter what the situation is. Take it day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute and yes I have even had to go second by second.
- Tracy
