Getting through the motions

Most people that know me know that I love poetry. Few people that know me know that 3 years ago I used to perform spoken word locally. This picture was taken one of the nights I was about to recite an original piece entitled "Swimming Lessons" about being betrayed. Most to my poetry was faith-based so it wasn't edgy as far as the language but it's safe to say that the messages were very relate-able to anyone no matter their walk of life. Even though I knew this poem like the back of my hand and this was my umpteenth time getting on stage, I was naturally nervous to perform. I read this poem before. Shit, I lived it but it's always that fear of standing in front of many unfamiliar faces revealing a truth about yourself that has the tendency to send a paralyzing chill throughout your body. In my mind I recited over and over the mantra that I would tell myself before every performance. "Krystal, you got this! God gave you this gift. Someone will need it. You will not mess up. You'll be great."

I waited for my turn. When my name was called I walked bravely to the stage, looked over the crowd, closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Exhaled most of my anxiety and began. The nerves never went away though. After all the words are said and the poem is done, they're still there...tingling. However I got through it. Like I always have. Like I knew I would.




Truth is, even far, far away from the stage and companionship of the microphone. In the privacy of my own affairs. Between the responsibilities of my 9 to 5, making sure home is cozy, and the puppy is fed, the nerves are ever present. I started off this month feeling very enthused about November. I'll say now that my enthusiasm turned into thankfulness for the uncovering of self that I'm experiencing. It's something about this time of year being between the holiday of gratitude and the holiday of love(depending on who you're asking) that can either bring out the very best in a person or the opportunities for improvement in a person. I'm living in both. The past few days I've been on an emotional roller coaster. Being thrilled about the thought of the unknown and shook with fear of walking by faith. It's that odd inkling  that something is not the same but not being able to accurately identify what has changed. I'm imbalanced. I feel motivated. I feel ugly. I feel stunning. I feel close to God then so far from His hand. I get that feeling of being stuck in the angst of never growing beyond where I am. Then I have moments of gratefulness just be here to learn, live and let live. These phases of confidence vs. uncertainty are nothing new so everyday I found myself reciting my mantra. "Krystal, you got this! God gave you this gift. Someone will need it. You will not mess up. You'll be great."


Reminding myself that what's before me is nothing new. I'll get through this. Like I always have. Like I know I will.