Peeling back the layers

The funny thing about epiphanies is that once you've been exposed to the truth you now have a choice to make. To operate in truth or ignorance.

After weeks of scheduling and rescheduling, I was finally able to set a dinner date with one of my good girlfriends. I can always count on girl talk over dinner to pull out the shit I'm not necessarily ready to clean up. We caught up on our lives, jobs, our latest beauty subscriptions and of course love. The more I was revealed some the ratchet details about my last two relationships, some of which she already knew, I grew more and more disgusted and embarrassed about my choice in men. 

I've always been drawn to the bad boy or in my case, the gang member, the drug dealer, and two time felon. Why? Well, I usually answered because I want a man that's fearless and unmovable in the face of adversity. And with my whole heart I meant all of that and still do mainly because I always wanted to feel protected by my man. How criminal and protection correlate? Because in my skewed view of relationships I somehow equated a tough guy as protector. Believe you me guys I know how dumb this sounds but that was my truth and it wasn't until my good girlfriend said to me "But you don't live a crazy life. So what do you need to be protected from? ", that I didn't realize how asinine it truly was.


She was 100% on point.  I don't do anything crazy or even out of the ordinary. And by ordinary I mean extremely ordinary like going to work, shopping, and possibly church every other weekend. Along with the fact that I am very faithful to my bed and Netflix account. As a matter of fact if I ever have been involved in anything crazy it's solely been because of the men that I invited into my life. That's when the truth escaped out of my mouth. Without having to think hard about it I said that I wanted to be protected by my man because I never felt protected by a man. Yes, I've had men around me my entire life. I grew up with my father in the house. He and my mother married two years before I was born and they've never been separated. He is a excellent father and very present however like most young girls, I experience things in life that my father just wasn't there to protect me from. I was molested by my babysitter's younger brother for years. I was bullied and beat up by boys in the neighborhood. One of which used to terrify me so bad that I remember peeing on myself as I ran home one day after school because I was so afraid of him. Being that all the other kids were afraid of him too nobody ever defended me. I could have told my father about the things that we're going on especially about my personal terrorist that lived at the top of the block but I never felt like it would stop. I'm realizing now that I was drawn to men that I thought would never let a violation against me either happen or go unpunished when in the contrary they were the first ones to violate me because they were in perfect position to do so. This is not to say that all guys with a history of crime and or violence are not genuinely good men because that is simply not truth. I chose guys out of ignorance thinking that because of how they were known to be in the street would make me feel covered, hence valued. But what I soon found out is that the men that I was choosing had problems that ran deeper than charges and a court appearance. Truth is, a man doesn't need to have "hard life" or be "hood" in order to protect you. That's bullshit because no real man would ever let anything happen to you no matter what his life was like. 


But this post isn't about my choice in men. It's the reason why I had that particular choice of men. I confessed a truth that I otherwise would have been too afraid to admit at a different point in my life. How could I get where I need to go without knowing where I've been? And how can I get what I need without  identifying the reasons why? I had to ask God to help me forgive my father because I was holding him accountable for something that he did not intentionally do but it still impacted my life in a negative way making me low-key resent him. I also had to forgive myself for lying to myself about what I  needed and what I was going to endure just to feel loved. I'm grateful that God opened  my eyes to my own mess so I can get out of my damn way.

Love Odyssey

There was a time I envied those free spirited women who effortlessly wore themselves with love and pride. I was never like that and I wondered if I'd ever be like that.
I prayed that someday I'd achieved that level of confidence and grace but it never dawn on me that those women probably fought the worst mental battles.
Cried endless streams of self consciousness.
Kicked themselves over and over for believing in doubt and screamed until the lining of their throats became raw.
We never know what a person goes through just to arrive, yet and still we covet.
I admire these women with their honey like testimonies.
Full of substance, Raw truths and preserved flavors for the soul.
I admire those women who found victory in being vulnerable.
I admire the love of self that came by way of self hate...or...maybe not hate but surly a type of neglect
You remember those women.
You remember their stories and how they resonated and ignited an inspiration through you by way of expression.
I get it now.
You smile different when you smile in honesty.
Happy girls have glow, they say
And you're a liar if you never wanted to shine.
For years, my fear of freedom kept me running from destiny and finding security amongst the spectators and others too afraid to embrace who they are.
Funny thing about that is now I hate crowds.
I have a lot of letting go to do so Gods will can bloom throughout my life
I'm no where near the woman dreamt of as a little girl, who wears the opinions of others like loose garments
But I'm also no longer afraid to be seen

Only look back to see how far You've come

I've been two weeks social media free (with the exception of twitter). Logging off every now and then is healthy for me. I get caught up too fast and for all the wrong reasons. Plus, I like to fall off the grid sometimes to collect myself and live on the low. This helps me focus and realign myself with what is important to me or actually get in touch with what should be important. I hate to admit it but I'm one of those people that needs to put themselves on timeout before getting carried away with the glitz and glamour of the internet otherwise I'm drained and overstimulated by way too much and then I begin to compare and contrast my life to all the wonderful people doing amazing things.

Ironically, being removed from social media makes me feel like I'm on an island far away from everything and everybody which was the goal but damn LOL. This purge is different. I've felt unhappy with things lately and although I'm working on that I've felt the need for inspiration. To have an encounter deep enough to shift my emotions toward hope. That shit is so important; to be inspired. I needed that today. I looked on my Twitter timeline and other blogs. I even called my little brother this morning hoping to hear something, anything to make me feel better but that changed nothing. Then out of nowhere( though I know it was God) I thought about some things that took place last year and realized that I've come a long way. Life was basic. This year I'm blogging more consistently. I wrote and self-published my first book. I took my first international trip. I'm a year free from a very abusive relationship I was in. I became more active with establishing my non-profit IMperfect. I'm just in a better space. Not where I want to be but not where I was. I've heard it said that unhappiness can stem from focusing on what you don't have or what you lost verse what you have and what you want to feel. When you focus on whats true, noble, right, pure, love, and admirable, you're generating gratefulness. Gratefulness is a godly vibe baby and when you look towards God, you don't have to look anywhere else.

Today I was seeking inspiration. I looked back over my life and saw God.

Thoro Gem Thursday: Caroline Senion

"As women we are much powerful when working together. We should commend, uplift, and support other women."

I love a girl's girl. They're so pleasant and gleam with virtue. This week's thoro gem is just that.

Caroline Senion, of Willingboro, NJ,  is the Editor and Chief of QueenHer Magazine, an online publication that highlights African American women from diverse backgrounds with different missions to not only positivity impact their communities but eventually the world.  She has created a brand or better yet a movement where the objective is to elevate and inspire women by providing a platform to share their business and art.

Last month, I had the opportunity to meet

Caroline on the shoot of Issue II. There is a real sincerity and humbleness about her which came as no surprise since we were all there because she enjoys shedding the spotlight on other people's dreams. The vibe on set was so positive which was powerful in itself. I don't know about you , but its been my past experience that a lot of women in one room can be almost disastrous but not this day. The common goal was solidarity. There was nothing but compliments and smiles and that's what I believe Caroline meant when she said "As women we are much powerful when working together". This is what happens when woman are encouraged to be united and recognized for the beauty of our spirits.

A visionary with a kind spirit and influential aim. Caroline, you truly are a thoro gem.

Website: issuu.com/queenhermagazine.com
IG: sheswritten
      queenher_magazine

Thoro Gem Thursday: Ciji Carr-McManus

"To touch, to move, to inspire. This is the true gift of dance." - Aubrey Lynch

I've been to dance classes where I can tell the instructor just loved to dance. I've also been to other dance classes where I can tell the instructor loves dance, has it and that dance just isn't something they teach as an after work hobby or only for extra cash. When dance is apart of who you are even the most complex moves appear effortless. That IT factor, for me, is what separates good instructors from great instructors. This weeks TGT feature is that great instructor and founder of Charged Up, Ciji Carr-McManus.

Charged Up is a fitness dance class where Ciji  incorporates Caribbean and Hip Hop dances to work out your body and get you grooving. I had the opportunity of attending one of her weekly classes in Edgewater Park, NJ and no exaggeration...the class was lit!!! There was a live DJ, colorful patterned lights to give a party feel and nothing but positive vibes that filled the atmosphere from beginning to end. The dances, wheeew chile, did work me out but I had a great time and since I dread the mere thought of exercising, it felt good to switch  up my normal routine.

Ciji's love to empower people through dance has placed her on major platforms to be recognized for her passion. From being featured in Essence Magazine, performing at this year's 2nd Annual Cracker Barrel Sista Strut Breast Cancer Walk and just recently being featured of Fox 29 Philly News promoting her children's book "Lets Get Charged Up". Sis is out here making her name known and looking super cute and fit while doing so. For more information about Charged Up and to purchase her book, please visit her website at www.chargedupdance.com.

Beautiful and being Inspiring one 2-step at a time, Ciji, you truly are a thoro gem.

IG: @cijimichelle and @chargedupdance

Same Ole Song

Same Ole Song by Krystal Schley

 
He has $23 dollars to his name

6 of em are in change

Consumed by haze and the drink

He drowns his sorrows in to ease the pain

its a shame being afraid of your own growth

when the thought of a happily ever after damn near makes you choke

but there’s no fairy godmother to rewind the clock

no bright eyed princess to make the loneliness stop

and your only knight in shining armor is Johnny walker

His concept of change seems foreign

and the future to him, more dark than bright

but as for tonight

He'll recall his heydays on his YouTube playlist

Wishing it were him

Brave enough to sing again

Brave enough to be seen again

Dead things are CANCELLED this season

Everybody that really knows me knows that I love flowers. Tulips, Sunflowers, Peonies, Hibiscus, Mums, Daisy's, and so on. I mean shoot I centered a whole book comparing the developmental process of flowers to women and our life experiences. So yall can only imagine my distress when seeing the beautiful hanging plants in my front yard weltering away. Of course my lack of maintenance played a factor as well but the truth is the heat index this summer has made it very difficult to keep the flowers moist and lively. The atmosphere was becoming non-conducive for them to flourish any longer. I saw that so I let them go. I feel like a bad plarent (mother of plants lol) but it wasn't working and I also knew that at this point there wasn't going to be anything that I could do. Three time this season, I brought those plants back to life and it was too late this time. Mama had to say farewell.

In the spirit of letting go I also let go of my social media accounts for the month. We all need those times to unplug and reset to be a better you. Besides, my timeline went from a form of entertainment to a constant reminder of everything I want and don't have. I'm not simple enough to think that an blessing just falls into peoples laps. Most people work damn hard for all they gain and probably prayed even harder. It would be ridiculous of me to think that there's some cruel trick that God is playing on me. Although sometimes that thought doesn't feel too far fetched. Even though I realize that faith without works is dead, it doesn't lessen the sting I feel with each swipe as I see all that I dream for myself is coming true in someone else's life. But I shifted my thoughts from what am I not doing to what am I going to do? So what I did was shut down my pages and got off my ass. I am and will always be responsible for my own happiness. No one else. If I want to be healthy, I have to move my ass. If I want my company to be life changing, I need to get off my ass and do the research and execute. Get a place to live, continue to look. Its not easy but is just that simple. We can be our own worse enemies and I was mine. My laziness was leading to a slow death of my dreams, health, hope, and faith. I wasn't believing God anymore. I was believing I would never really experience life.

I also cleaned out my closet. Ended relationships. My life has to change in order for me to experience change. I'm cancelling all dead things to live.