Living with regrets!

This is the time of year where your timelines on  Facebook, snap chat and Instagram is bombarded with a barrage of pictures of proms, graduations, and weddings. It’s truly a beautiful time for families and I love seeing the people I know celebrating these moments with their loved ones but I can't help but to think "what if".

"What if I kept the baby that I was pregnant with at 19?

That could be my son or daughter going to their formal or getting ready to go to high school. What type of mother would I've been? How would have keeping my baby have changed my life besides the obvious? Would I be a cool mom or Over protective mom? I know having a baby by a man absolutely does not guarantee that you and he will be a family but, I wonder how our interaction would have been. Possibly together? Most likely not! But more importantly I think about the baby. Would it have been a boy or a girl? Who would've she or he resembled the most? Would they have been creative like me or diligent like their father? Would they have been outgoing like me or laid back like him? Have my moody attitude or his tendency to be secretive and bend the truth (sips my Tetley super green tea). It’s not just this time of year that brings these questions to the forefront of my mind because I actually think about them all the time. Especially since I'm at the point in my life that I really want a family. However this year is a bit different because one of mothers celebrating her child is my age. I actually know her personally because we went to school together. As a matter of fact my child would have only been a couple of months younger than hers so it hit home so hard. We were both pregnant our senior years; super green to the world and all that life had in store for us. The thought of being a young mom scared the shit out of me. Of course getting an abortion scared me too but not like being responsible. (Mind you, I'm just relaying my past thoughts.) I had no idea who I was or what I wanted to do with my life. My prom pictures are still packed away and were never given out because you can see my belly bulge. Even though I participated in school activities at the time, I was being homeschooled for the remainder of the school year due to an emotional breakdown months prior. I was neck deep in depression and an active cutter. My baby dad was locked up and if you caught the shade I threw earlier in the post than I’m sure I can tell I don't care too much for him. He and I broke up a couple months before I got pregnant and honestly, I was dealing with a whole other guy who was 10 years older than me when I got pregnant. (Please reserve your judgment, thanks) although I had a great support system that consisted of two awesome friends that I still call my sisters to this day, my mom, dad and brother, I was still a broken little girl bringing a baby into a mess. That was the last thing I wanted. I recall a time when I was in bed trying to sleep but the thought of an actual human being alive and growing in my body cancelled any plans of rest and I stayed up the whole night crying and praying.

My pregnancy was terminated on April 28 2004 at 2 1/2 months.

My feelings often sway from contentment to disappointment to utter sadness and then here come the “what ifs”. As I try to remember the reasons that lead to the decision I made, I tell the 19 year old Krystal that all eventually turned out ok and you did what you felt was best for you at that time. Which is the truth. But I struggle with what to say to 33 year old single, Krystal who's thoughts stretch from what type of mother I would’ve been to if I’ll ever be a mother. I would be lying if I said that at times I didn’t feel like I was being punished but I like to believe that’s not my Gods way.  We can’t change anything that we’ve done in the past and I believe that the hardest thing for a lot of us to do when it comes to the topic of regret is detaching the emotions attached to our past decisions from who we are in the present.


It’s hard. Damn hard. But the like the famous quote by Robert Frost says “The only way out is through”. Move forward with forgiveness for self and learn to live with the regrets.