Blessed and Scared as hell

Next month I will be accomplishing one of my dreams. My first book, Blooming in Enough  will be releasing on April 14th and I'm scared as shit. This is literally a dream come true but all I want to do is hide. I didn't finish school and get a degree in English as planned. Although I am enrolled, I'm just on an involuntary financial break for the time being. I haven't been previously published any where or have been booked for speaking events other than poetry here and there. I don't live an extravagant life filled with unbelievable experiences or famous encounters. I don't have points of reference other than my IG posts or blogs nor is there anyone I can think of to vouch for my work but I have this unshakable feeling that I was created for this and I cannot see life without jotting down my thoughts, fears, dreams and ideas as they flow through my mind.



I remember a scene in Sister Act 2 when Sister Mary Clarence played by comedian Whoopi Goldberg, was explaining to Lauryn Hill's character, Rita, about a segment in the book Letters to a Young Poet, by Rainer Maria Rilke. The scene went as follows:

"A fellow used to write to him and say, I want to be a writer.Please read my stuff."

And Rilke says to this guy:"Don't ask me about being a writer. When you wake up in the morning, you can think of nothing but writing...then you're a writer."

 As a child this was just a scene in a movie. As an adult its the confirmation to proceed beyond the fear of failure. Obviously I'm scared that my art won't be received well. I was in church for many years. I openly love and proclaim Jesus as the Lord I follow...but I curse...a lot in the book. How will my old church family view me? Probably no worse than some of them already do but that's a whole other story.

I'm scared that I won't sell any books besides the copies my family and friends will purchase out of support.

I'm scared that reviews will be written calling my book trash or telling me to stop writing.

I'm scared of mistakes, misprints, being misunderstood.

What if I'm not really qualified to write? How will people see me? I have bouts with depression and anxiety already. Could some negative feedback trigger something in me? 

 I know all of those questions are rooted in the fear of the unknown so I guess the real question is why do I give a shit?!?! Because in reality, I wake up in the morning thinking about nothing but writing and my book. My experiences that I spun and created to touch on something bigger than the "what ifs". I'm blessed and to witness a dream come true is a beautiful feeling. Not a lot of people can say that. I know people that got caught up in drugs and have never been the same. I had friends who's lives were claimed by violence. I have friends who just got sentenced and won't have their freedom for the next few years. I have other friends on life support right now. I CAN NOT AFFORD TO BE AFRAID ANYMORE.  I have no idea what will happen on and after April 14th. What I know is that I'm a regular girl who loves to write and had the guts to go for it. Whatever happens is already written.

No pun intended.